GOLDEN, luke hemmings

XXVI: REASONS WHY

Speaking of Luke: something about him made Ava nervous, well, more nervous than usual and she couldn't place her finger on just what it was. Truthfully, as she overthought it more, the more things she began to worry about.

What if Luke didn't really like her that much and ends up stopping?

What if their relationship takes a bad turn?

What if he falls for someone else?

Every possibility, every worst-case-scenario kept her brain on a leash, taunting her and making her doubt everything and everyone more and more. It was as clear as can be that Luke was a catch, she knew that. He was attractive, kind, sweet, funny, and he was a good friend—who wouldn't want that? And that was exactly the problem: who wouldn't want that.

Ava had a good amount of confidence and tried her best to love herself better each day, and she knew that she had appeal and was attractive. However, she also knew that she wasn't the only attractive girl in the universe that was nice and had good views and was plainly awesome; and there was also the factor she worried about in every relationship she's had. The big S word.

Sex.

As Luke's best friend, she didn't have to worry about things like that because, frankly, she shouldn't have cared where his dick went and if she...wanted it?—Because as friends, he wasn't tied down or in any sort of relationship that required him to stay to one person romantically or sexually, but now that her and Luke were dating, bizarre and scared images would be all she would think about.

Sex was something Ava had only attempted at once, and never again, so technically she was a virgin (although, she didn't really believe that virginity was real and rather, it was more of a social construct made by society to judge or base a woman or man on whether or not they've had sex), but the experience she had was quite traumatizing  for her at the time when she wasn't as comfortable with her sexuality and was very insecure.

About a year or two ago, she had a boyfriend named Erick who was probably the best boyfriend that Ava could've asked for—in the beginning. Now, this was at a time where Ava was still learning and discovering herself and when her parents would only want her to date boys. So, afraid and naive, she stayed with him even though Erick changed quite a lot in their year long relationship. Long story short, Ava refused to have sex with him as he began undressing, changing her mind and saying no, and that changed everything—even when it shouldn't have been a big deal. He broke up with her a month later, calling her a prude and saying that he was screwing someone else behind her back at the time anyways.

The whole viciousness of the situation hurt her deeply and it made her insecure about the fact that she didn't like to have sex, or didn't want it. She already had trust issues but because of this experience, she was grew a fear that people would leave her because she didn't have sex and it pissed her off. It's not like it was her fault that she couldn't feel sexual attraction unless it was a rare occasion or with someone special, that's who she was. It's not like she could control it. Sex shouldn't have been such an important factor that she got cheated on because she didn't want to do it with her ex-boyfriend, and it wasn't, honestly. Sex is just sex—add whatever meaning you want to it. As long as it's safe and consensual, Ava didn't think anything else should've mattered.

The irrational fear of hers, however, did stay and at times, though seldom, it would feel like an open wound. In fact, she was worried that Luke would be a replay of Erick, even if Ava knew him better than that. Then again, she thought she knew Erick, but he ended up hurting her in more ways than one.