under cover goose on the Titanic

Part 18 - 'Armless

We followed surreptitiously as Kozak left the restaurant a few minutes later. He unexpectedly ducked into the church at the end of Sumac Street. There was no sign of Dunc. We entered the church and found ourselves in a corridor leading to a large hall with a pulpit and a wooden cross at the far end. On the wall a banner proclaimed Jesus is the Light. There was a line of Chinese characters underneath. Near the pulpit, two Asian ladies were chatting with Beryl and cooing over Pacman. I asked if they had seen a man with a bowler hat.

'He's in the library talking to the vicar,' Beryl told us. 'It's next to the sign that says Washroom Go Down Stairs.'

We peeped through the partially open door, into a room filled with chairs, where Kozak was talking to a worried looking Asian man wearing a dog collar, presumably the vicar.

'Christian, Communist, Eco-cults, Fascist, Socialist, Muslim . . . I wish to know everyzing about zeeze religion.'

'Communism is not a religion,' the vicar spluttered. 'There is no god.'

Kozak frowned. 'You mean zat zhere is only one god and Karl Marx is 'is prophet? And what about ze windmill fanatics?'

'No, no. You have got it all mixed up. Communism is a godless religion.'

'Zen what is it you do?' Kozak asked innocently.

'I am a Christian.' The vicar was so confused it was almost a question.

'So,' Kozak exclaimed, 'you can tell me where to find ze Inquisition and seventy two virgins? And also why men kill for ze Easter Bunny.'

The vicar looked as if he had been cornered by a dangerous fanatic. 'Chr-Christianity,' he stammered, 'is the religion of love.' He glanced around, looking for an escape route. 'But, I really must visit a sick parishioner. Why don't you come again on S-Sunday?'

'Zhank you.' Kozak followed as the vicar backed toward the door. 'I am most anxious to learn hosanna in the highest.'

We stepped aside to let the harassed vicar escape and Kozak saw us. He stopped so suddenly that his head jerked forward and his bowler hat slipped over his eyes. He emitted a choking sound. 'Taberswaggle!'

'Ziff . . . you frightened me 'alf to death,' he said. 'I wanted to ask about ze climate change religion of carbon dioxide. Why do zhey think it is a dangerous green 'ouse gas? Every living zing on Earth depends on carbon dioxide. Plants need carbon dioxide to grow and zhey produce ze oxygen we breath.'

Pacman wuffed a welcome as Dunc shouldered his way through the door. 'Mister Kozak,' he honked officiously. 'Ah have a few questions tae ask yeh.'

Kozak sagged onto a chair and goggled at him. 'But you are a goose. I do not talk to gooses.'

'Geese,' Dunc corrected him pompously. 'Ah'm investigating yehr illegal use of time phase technology.'

Kozak suddenly noticed Licia and Miguel. 'Who are you?'

'Uh, Kozak,' I said. 'This is Licia. You already met Miguel and Pacman.'

Kozak jumped to his feet, took Licia's hand and kissed it. 'Enchanted to make your acquaintance.' Dunc glared at him. He sat down abruptly.

Pacman sniffed at Kozak's ancles as Miguel and I sat down on each side of him. Licia straddled the chair behind Dunc.

'Now, start talking,' Dunc snapped. 'Where is Murga and what are you doing here?'

'I zink, zherefore I am,' Kozak announced enigmatically. 'Descartes said zat. We are all accidents of ze universe and zhere will always be a good future in computer maintenance. I do not zink 'e said zat.'