Pulse

Chapter 8

"Don't be silly," Cian remarked, as I veered off the road and into the parking lot of the nearest coffee shop, the same one I went to on an almost daily basis. I parked the car and the radio shut off, leaving us in silence. "You've shoved Vinny and me away for the past week, and now we're here, yet you're still trying to run away. So, what, Lucie, are you so afraid of? The worst case scenario is that we confirm what you already thought, that Dempsey's really gone."

"Yeah, but I'm not stupid." My voice was sharp, and it held no room for lies. Cian knew that, too; I saw it in his eyes when he glimpsed me, the pallid sunlight in them making them appear a lighter blue than I remembered. The car's interior was dark; shadows danced across his face like evanescent flames. Still, Vinny said nothing. "You guys aren't here for Dempsey. You're more interested in why I can see Vinny, aren't you? I'm a threat to your little spirit world, or whatever. That's why you're here."

"Your brother is our priority."

"Stop lying to me."

"I have no reason to lie to you!" exclaimed Cian. He opened his mouth as if to say something else, but turned away from me again, getting out of the car with haste. He slammed the door shut after him, and in a huff, I followed. A glance at Vinny told me he was more than a little frightened.

Outside the car, Cian was leaned against the door, his elbows on the car's hood and his face in his hands. He shook his head. "I don't know what to say to you. I'm here to help you, and that's the only reason I'm here. Why would I lie? To protect you from something I don't want you to know?" he dropped the mask his hands created, staring at me. Taking a step back, he lifted his hands, mimicking surrender. "There's nothing I have to hide. Look. I'm all here. You know Vinny's dead. You know I'm an angel. You know everything. So why do you still stand here like I'm hiding something from you?"

"How did Vinny die?" I asked then, folding my arms. Cian's expression flickered from frustration to surprise, then to sorrow. I went on: "How did you become an angel, huh? You were human once, and Vinny was alive before this. Weren't you, Vinny?" I said, looking suddenly in his direction, as he'd appeared beside his brother. "So how did this happen? Don't lie. I don't know everything. In fact, I'm mostly damn ignorant. Fix that, Cian, fix it!"

Cian didn't look at me. Instead, he exhaled, looking towards the bay in the distance, then towards the coffee shop behind me. In the coolness of the morning, he shivered, everything here blue and gray and solemn.

I waited for a long time for him to say something, but when he did, his voice was barely there at all. "It was an accident," was all he said. "A dumb accident."

The emptiness of his tone startled me. "Cian?"

"It happened because of me," he said, then, finally, finally, lifted his eyes to mine. Something in them had changed. There was no mirth in them, no humor. They were the eyes of someone with a deep wound, someone still recovering, trying to patch themselves and everyone around them up. They were the eyes of someone who had been struggling for as long as they could remember. "Is that what you want me to say, huh? That I'm not perfect, and I know it? Do you want me to admit I'm still figuring things out? Fine. I admit it. I'm not the best caregiver, but I'm trying to help you out here, and you're biting my hand, Lucie, you're...you're gnawing it off."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't say that. Apologies are not cures," Cian remarked. He glanced at Vinny, and his hand lifted, wavering for a second near his kid brother's shoulder before he dropped it back to his side. Flicking his hood back up, he turned and started for the coffee shop. "I wish they were. It'd make a whole lot of things easier. Now let's just get this coffee and go, okay? I'll pay for it."