Marked

Chapter Nineteen

"Hey, look at me." He tilted her chin up with his index finger. "Why didn't you tell me? I could've helped you."

She waved her hand in the air dismissively, trying not to cry. "I thought you would think of me differently, and," She swallowed hard, "I couldn't even talk about it. Most days all I wanted was to forget it ever happened."

"Why would I look at you differently? Why would I do that?"

"I heard the way you reacted when I told Copenhagen that I'd killed Gabe that night. I thought you might not want me anymore if you knew I... I wasn't as good as you thought I was."

He shook his head and cupped her cheek. "Rachel, no. I didn't react that way because I thought any less of you. I had hoped that someone else had killed Gabe because I was afraid of what it would do to you if it had been you. I couldn't stand the thought of you being in pain."

His palms burned against her cheeks as he held her face. "That would never make me not want you. If there's one thing, I'm certain of, is that you have a good heart."

"I don't," She shook her head and gripped his wrists, trying to pull his hands away from her face. "I'm not a good person, Hector, I've done horrible things."

He leaned back on his ankles and met her eyes. "Let me ask you this. Why did you kill the poacher?" A crease formed on his forehead; his brown eyes fixed on her face.

"He was going to kill Yalina." Rachel pressed her palms to her eyes, trying to burn away the image of the poacher from her mind. "I couldn't let him do that."

"And Gabe?"

She had to forcibly swallow down the lump in her throat. "He was hurting Simone."

"Okay," he said. He took her hands into his again and squeezed them. He pursed his lips as if he were thinking really hard about something, his thumb gently stroking the back of her hand. "It sounds to me like you were just trying to protect the people you care about."

She shook her head, trying to make him see. He deserved someone better. Someone whole.

"I let you die." She insisted.

"What do you mean?"

"In my simulation, back at the bunker. I let you die." It was as if she wanted him to hate her. But he had to understand...she had to make him understand that she wasn't good for him.

"I don't understand."

"They put me in a room with a bunch of unmarked people and Abby told me I had to kill them all to save you but I couldn't do it." She stood, leaving him still crouched on the floor. "You went to the capital to get the antidote for me even though you knew it might get you killed and I couldn't even save you. I let you die."

"But Rachel, it was only a simulation."

"I didn't know. I thought it was real and I let you die. I don't deserve you—I—you deserve someone better. Someone who doesn't break at the first sign of trouble like I do...someone like Yalina."

The warmth of his body was suddenly behind her and her heart somersaulted into her throat. One hand gently turned her by the shoulder to face him, the other stroked her cheek.

"Listen to me. I'm glad you didn't kill all those people in the simulation for me. I wouldn't have wanted you to."

"You said that" she whispered, "In the simulation. You wanted me to let you die."

"Then you know me. Because I would have never asked that of you, knowing what it would do to you. I would rather die than be the reason you lose yourself."