Her Lost Identity

Her Lost Identity [21] ~ Inescapable Sorrow

“Nothing,” I mumbled, still playing with my fingers. “I love you, you know that, right?” I looked over to him; he wore a wide smile on his face as he drove.

“Of course and I love you too,” he confessed, still smiling as he drove over a speed bump. “And I’d kiss you right now if I weren’t driving.”

“About that...” I began, turning in my seat as far as the seatbelt would let me to face Nathan. “Where’s your dad? Hasn’t he taken his car back?” The smile on his face faded as a new, frustrated one appeared.

“He hasn’t come home,” Nathan let the words roll off his tongue carelessly. “After the argument, he went out, left his stuff, left his money, left everything and never came back.”

He sounded so... careless. Shouldn’t he be the tiniest bit worried that something may have happened? Sure, his father was a no-good guy but he was still his dad.

“Do you think something may have happened to him?” I questioned, rather concerned for someone who was made upset by the same person we so happened to be talking about.

“Don’t know, don’t care,” he replied nonchalantly, his eyes still on the road as he drove. I turned back in my seat and looked down in my lap.

Why was he so careless? But then I can’t really talk, can I? I’ve hated my mum all my life for what she did and when I found out she had cancer, I wasn’t really fussed. Well, I tried to tell myself that...

“Babe,” he sighed, his voice soft. I looked back up at him as he took a quick glance at me before setting his eyes back on the road. He stopped at the red lights and turned back to me. “I don’t wanna talk about that, okay? I just want this day to be about just me and you. No stress, no worries.”

“Okay,” I let out, feeling a warm hand on my leg.

“I wanna make the most of what we have left,” he said, matter-of-factly as he picked up the hand of mine closer to his and entwined his fingers with mine.

“Me too,” I let out in a sigh. Good, he felt the same way. At least this way, he wouldn’t be mad at me for bringing up the fact that this won’t last forever. The lights went green and he continued to drive. “Trust me, me too...”

“Lil, are you crying?” Nathan asked me, sympathy in his voice. In the corner of my eye I could see him looking at me then back to the road, then to me and then to the road. I quickly wiped away the tears from my cheeks that I didn’t know were falling but it seemed as soon as I had realised that I was in fact crying, I cried even more. “Lily, what’s wrong?” I could feel his eyes on me, watching me as I drown in my own tears.

“Nathan watch the road,” I managed to say between sobs.

What was wrong? What was wrong? What was wrong was that any time soon my mum could die. Any time soon I’d have to leave Ohio and pretend nothing happened whilst I was away. I’d have to go home and tell everybody that my name isn’t in fact Cassie but its Lilian and that I’m not the rich blonde I make out to be. I’m just a poor girl from Ohio. Of course, I could pretend nothing had changed, that I was Cassie, and that I wasn’t adopted. But did I want to? No, I didn’t want to be that girl anymore. That girl wasn’t me. She’ll never be me like the same I’ll never be her. Also, I’ll have to leave my only ever love to move back to California. That was what was wrong.

Parking in to a side road and turning off the engine, Nathan undone his seatbelt and turned to face me yet I didn’t return the gesture, I just stared and my hands that were moist with tears.

“Baby... Sweetie, what’s wrong?” he asked again but I refused to reply, clenching my jaws tight. “Talk to me.”

I want to talk to you. I always want you with me to talk to you. I want you to stay with me forever. I want you to hold me always. I just want you.

“Please don’t cry, I hate it when you cry,” he told me, his voice still soft but more shaky.

For you, I’ll try my hardest not to cry but for you they’ll keep falling.

“Lilian, what’s the matter? Was it something I said?” he asked me, his voice sounding different to before. Then he sniffled. I looked up at him, water at the rim of his eyes, his eyes sparkling with water and then, a sudden drop of water fell from his eyes and on to his shirt before sinking in to it, leaving a small patch on it. I felt a tug at my heart.

“Nathan, please don’t...” I begged as I lunged myself in to him, feeling his body warmth on me, feeling his warm tears fall on to my neck.

“I don’t want you to leave,” he whispered, tightening his hold on me. More tears fell from my eyes and to his shirt. “I love you. Not again, you can’t leave. Not again, Lilian.”

“I don’t want to leave you,” I cried out as I bit my lip, trying my best to stop crying. “But I have to. Don’t you understand that?”

“Of course I do, babe. I know you have to go. I just wish you didn’t have to...”

I pulled away from Nathan, looking at his red eyes and trembling lips. He looked as torn as I was. I wanted him to feel the same way I did but now, I’m not even sure. No way in hell do I wish the feeling upon anyone – it’s one of the worse things I’ve ever had to experience.

“I’ll always love you no matter what happens,” Nathan told me, picking my hand back up and playing with my fingers.

“I’ll never stop loving you,” I responded as I wiped the remains of my tears from my face. “What do you say we go to this restaurant before we miss our booking?”

“I’d say you’re quite the clever one,” he chucked before planting his lips on mine. It wasn’t long before he pulled away and started up the engine.

And then after, things felt so much better. Things were still quite upsetting, like my mum leaving this world and me leaving Nathan but after crying it all out, I felt like weights had been lifted off my shoulders. Nathan just had that affect on me.