LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 2

Loving others and your life

By Anonymous

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My story is really difficult for me to tell and traumatic. I still want to share it with you, so I don't have to bottle it up and can warn you before the cruelness of our world.

This story isn't going to be about coming out or knowing my sexuality, but first I'm going to really quickly tell you about these things.

I realized that I was a lesbian when I was 12. I was still young, but I understood that I felt different than girls around me. At first I thought I was just confused... Oh well, and I was really wrong. When I was 13/14 I had my first crush- a crush on a girl. Let's call her Ann for privacy reasons. She was the first person I came out to. After five months we started dating. I felt like the happiest person in the world. But I wasn't.

My parents found out on their own about my sexuality and the fact that me and Ann were dating. It was the first time my mom punched me. They were furious. My mom was crying and father called me a mistake and a freak. They kept telling me that all they wanted was a normal kid. It was the moment I stopped trusting them. All I wanted was getting out of that house.

For next few weeks we barely talked. I knew that there was nothing wrong with me and they started hoping that maybe I was just confused and they can "cure" me. After a year and half Ann broke up with me because she said she hadn't loved me any more. My heart was broken. Eventually, she changed school and I haven't seen her any more.

I started to self-harm. My self-esteem was low as never and all I wanted was ending it. Ending my whole life.

My friends helped me out. I put a blade away. I started to live normally.

My situation with parents wasn't getting any better for next 3 years. Then, when I was 18 and had enough money, I left my house and move out from Everything I found a girl who wanted to be my roommate... Let's call her Emma. I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world. Whenever she said anything to me I felt butterflies in my stomach. She was driving me insane. I went to collage and eventually we were barely seeing each other. I thought it was fine this way. I was afraid that my crush could change into something bigger and I didn't want anyone to break my heart again plus I was quite sure that she was straight.

After a half of year, we became really close to each other. We've been talking in the midde of the night, snuggling to each other and watching Disney movies together. It all seemed to be a dream... And once when I was staying up at night and studying, he stayed up with me. She tried to convince me to go sleep but I refused. I needed to study to pass my classes... But Emma was stubborn. She closed my books and then she kissed me. All the feelings attacked me at the same time. I didn't pull away. After what seemed to be forever I was back in my bed, this time with Emma by my side.

After my classes, I asked her out, we went on a few dates before she made a next move and asked me to be her girlfriend. I said yes. I felt like the happiest person in the world. I started to fall for her like never for anyone before. Our relationship seemed to be perfect. We weren't hiding. Everyone we've known was aware of us dating. We were having dates and still staying up at night. Instead of two beds, we slept in one. It was usual thing for me to see her face every day and to feel warmth in my chest whenever she smiled or kissed me. She was perfect.

It's been three years and our relationship hadn't changed. I was happy. I actually started to think about marry the woman of my life. But then... Everything fell apart.

After a while, I found out that she was texting with someone. She kept disappearing from time to time. She was leaving our flat when she thought I was asleep. After a while, I found out that she's been cheating on me.

I was angry. I told her about all things I found out (that are private) and after a huge fight, she admitted that she's been doing it. She's been cheating on me for past five months. I kicked her out. Emma was crying. She begged me to let her stay. She said it was one and the only time. She said that she will never do it again. I wasn't listening. I was furious. She took her things and left my flat. I was alone. Again. I was crying and throwing things at the wall. I felt so worthless but at the same time I loved her some much.

It's been a month since we broke up and a few weeks since we talked. She kept on hitting my phone up. I got used to ignoring it. I even decided to change my number but not yet. I still loved her.

The last time she called me, I was in my work. I finally answered the call. I heard her crying but still told her that we can't be together. She begged me. I said that she hurt me. I told her that it's been too much for me. Emma told me that she loved me. I wanted to cry. I loved her too but she cheated on me. I said that I couldn't forgive her. Her voice was shaking. She begged me for the last time before apologizing again. She said that she's going to kill herself. I couldn't believe in her words. I asked her where she was. She didn't want to tell me. I insisted but she was talking with no sense. I couldn't understand most of her words. She said something about loving me. She said she can't live if I don't give her a second chance. She asked me if I loved her and I didn't say a thing. I thought about calling for a help but back then, my mind was too slow. Everything was happening from all the sudden. I didn't know where she was and what she was planning. Then I heard a gun. A scream that she swallowed. I freaked out. I was crying.

Everyone in office was staring at me. I screamed to the phone. I tried to talk with her. I got no answer. I wasn't able to sleep without sleeping pills for next two weeks. After a two days after an accident everyone had already known that Emma committed a suicide. I landed in the court. After months of a horrible trail, salty tears and her family that hated me, I was free. They decided that I haven't done anything and that Emma was drugged, what caused her suicide. But I felt guilty. I kicked her out. I didn't let her to come back. She killed herself because she thought she fucked up and that I didn't love her. I was. I loved her with my whole heart. I still do. It's been two years after Emma died. I'm writing it and crying. I still can't think about her without feeling a guilt. I thought that maybe I should kill myself? No. Suicide is never a solution. I am an adult. I'm 23 years old and I don't want to love anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone. I hope my story will help someone. I hope it will make people understand. I hope nobody will have to suffer like I do or Emma did. Sexuality is really important thing for a human., but no matter if we are heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, pansexual, asexual or so on, we can't let emotions take over. We shouldn't hurt people and we shouldn't let others hurt us. Love is love, Life is only one, Thank you for reading.