The Gun and the Rose

20 | 911

It had been weeks since I last stepped into the office. At first, I went in everyday and Aerion would end up sending me home with nothing to do. After a week, I didn't bother going to work, already knowing I would do nothing. Instead, I laid in bed, refusing to leave the comfort of my bedsheets. I stressed about losing my job but made no move to help myself. I had lost all motivation to leave my bed. I was scrolling through my phone after a long evening nap when Ales called.

"Hello?" I answered groggily. I was even hesitant to pick up the phone and felt horrible about my reluctance. I had resorted to occasionally texting Ales and had not seen him since that night we spent together weeks before.

"Hey, Rosa. How are you?"

I sniffled. "I'm okay." There was silence. "You?"

"Are you sick?" he asked, ignoring my question.

"No."

"Are you at home?"

"Yes."

"Okay." Then he hung up. I set my phone down, closing my eyes. I drifted off into another peaceful sleep when my doorbell rang. I groaned, burying my head into a pillow. "Rosa!" A voice called from outside. "I know you can hear me!" I sat up, realizing I couldn't open the door. I looked disgusting and probably smelled just as bad. I wiped the sleep out of my eyes, pulled the hood of my sweater over my head and walked to the door, peaking my head out.

"Hi," I grumbled, letting Ales in. He walked in, holding a container.

"Holy shit, Rosa," he whispered, looking around. I had just realized how absolutely messy and revolting my apartment looked. Clothes and take out boxes were strewn around and made a trail to my bedroom which I was sure was in much worse condition. "What happened to you?"

I raised a shoulder in a half-hearted shrug then sighed. "I don't really know." Ales set the container down on the kitchen table and took his jacket off. I stood rooted in that one spot, too tired to help him. He came back to me and lifted my chin to kiss me, but I turned my head as I knew I didn't smell too good.

"I haven't seen you in weeks, Rosa. I was getting worried," he said. I wrung my hands.

"I'm fine. Just stressed."

"Well, I brought some chicken noodle soup because I thought you had a cold." He scratched the back of his neck. "Why don't you go take a shower and I'll straighten the apartment up? It might make you feel a little better."

"Okay," I whispered, nodding. I grabbed some clean clothes and locked the door to the bathroom, stripping down. While I let the water heat up, I stared at myself in the mirror. My stomach had become larger, though not by that much. My face was pale and my eyes had huge bags beneath them despite the fact that I did nothing but sleep. A dull pain burst near my pelvis, but it was just pregnancy pains. I stepped into the shower, scrubbing myself clean. A few minutes later, I stepped out of the steaming tub and got dressed, brushed my teeth, and towel dried my hair before exiting.

The whole place was spotless with all the garbage in its rightful place and most of my clothes folded and placed inside my closet. I found Ales in the kitchen, warming up the soup in a pot. When he noticed me, he set the spoon down. "Hey, beautiful." I padded into his arms, inhaling his spicy cologne. "Do you feel slightly better?"

I took out two bowls from the cabinet. "I do. Thank you, Ales." He laddled out the soup, giving me more and taking a spoonful for himself. I blew on the hot liquid, watching the steam float.

"Tell me what's going on, Rosa," was all Ales said. I took a sip, the salty brine delighting me.

"I'm going to get fired, Ales. That's it. I'm going to get fired and I don't know what to do. I'm stressed and I don't know how to deal with it. I honestly just want to curl up in a ball and die," I admitted, letting everything out.

"I'm sorry," Ales said. "I'm so sorry." I didn't know why he was apologizing. I finished up my soup in silence, not really meeting his gaze. After I finished, I told him I wanted to go back to bed. "Do you want me to leave?"

"No, stay," I said. We brushed our teeth then crawled into bed, my stomach cramping. I was too tired to tell Ales and just let him hold me close.

    A few hours I woke up, crying out in pain. Sharp pain stabbed through my lower body. I shook my boyfriend awake. "Turn the light on." After blinking his sleepy confusion away, he did as I asked. I pulled the blanket off me and I gasped.

    "Shit!" Ales shouted, jumping off the bed. Blood pooled out from between my legs, seeping into my covers and staining them. I groaned his name as there was another burst of pain. "I'm calling 911." Ales lifted me off my own blood onto a clean side of the bed before dialing. I felt myself letting go of consciousness and my eyes rolled back.

Darkness.

***

Everything hurt.

It felt like my entire being was on fire, my eyes, my legs, my heart. I fought for consciousness, forcing my mind to wake up. Pushing my thoughts to the top of the surface and float. I swam up, pulling on the weight that kept me anchored to nothing. The intensity of the pain forced me to rip my eyes and gasp for a dry breath. The lights above me were too bright and my eyes took a long moment to adjust. I focused on my breathing as the room I was in came into view. I was lying in a hospital bed, needles stuck into my arm. I turned my head, seeing Ales sitting on a chair beside me, dozing off.

"Ales," I called out. I repeated his name a few more times before he awoke. He jumped up and sat on the edge of the bed, holding my hand. I took in his rumpled clothes and bloodshot eyes.

"How are you feeling?" I considered the question, my body telling me that something had happened.

"Empty." I pursed my lips together. "My baby-" A physician entered the room, holding a clipboard in her hands. Ales gripped my hand as the doctor approached us. She sat on the other side of my bed, clasping her hands together. I brought my knees to my chest.

"Ms. Acanti. I'm Dr. Larsen. Last night, we ran some tests and I'm sorry to say that you had a miscarriage." She spoke and spoke but I did not listen. I knew the second I woke up that something was wrong, I felt empty. It's like I knew the baby was gone before I actually knew.

"Why?" I interrupted the doctor. "What did I do wrong?" My lips trembled.

"Well, there is rarely a single cause to a miscarriage. But, it is common for women to miscarry in the first pregnancy-" I slapped a hand over my mouth as inconsolable cries tore out of my throat. I turned away from the doctor, my body shaking as I sobbed. Ales held me to him, letting me cry and cry. "I can come back later."

"Yeah," Ales agreed. I squeezed my eyes shut, fisting my hands into his shirt.

As soon as the door closed, I whispered, "this is all my fault." I felt nauseous, the sick feeling creeping up my throat.

"Rosa, baby, this is not your fault. You couldn't have known this was going to happen," Ales soothed. I shook my head, pushing away from him.

"If only I appreciated it more. If only I was more grateful of the baby, this wouldn't have happened," I seethed, digging my nails into my palm. I was beyond angry at myself. I took every chance to brush off and ignore the pregnancy. I paid more attention to my failing job than the life growing inside me.

"Rosa-"

"This isn't even your fucking baby, Ales! Just fuck off and give me a break!" I shouted. The second the words left my mouth, regret seeped into my stomach. Hurt flashed through his eyes but he stood up, nodding.

"I'll go then," he said quietly. I watched him go and felt so unbelievably alone.

A/N: I've been having horrible writer's block so I apologize for the inconsistent updates!