Ink Stained

38: when they fall down her face*

"Why are you bleeding then?"

"I don't know why," she answered honestly, shaking her head. "Sometimes it's a lot, sometimes it's little, like now. I don't know why it happens at all."

"Have you told Kanou-san?" he asked. "He should know."

Pai swallowed thickly as her hand clenched around the handkerchief. "No."

She lifted her eyes to look at Shin. His lips were pressed in a tight line, and he looked – disappointed. She looked down again.

"Why?" his voice was hard and unyielding.

"I don't want to." Her words were forced out, thick with sudden tears she was struggling to keep from falling. "What I am remembering – I don't want anyone to know. I don't want them to be real." Her head snapped, eyes searching for his as she remembered why she'd started bleeding now. "'I was desperate'. I said that, in the Torimaku. 'I was desperate'."

Shin's eyebrow lifted minutely. "You remember?"

"Can you tell me what happened?" she asked instead of answering him, frantic as she realized that though she couldn't remember what had happened, surely Shin did. He didn't have the problems with his memory that she did.

She gripped the front of his sweater tight under her hand, pressing so hard that the curves of her nails dug into the palms of her hands through the fabric. A very, very distant part of her mind realized that she should let go of him, but she was overcome with blind hope and panic mixed together in one terrifying cocktail. "Please, Shin-san, please tell me what happened. I need to – I can't remember, I need to know and – and – "

"First," he said, capturing her wrists in each of his hands as her fingernails dug into her palms. "Calm down."

"But – "

"I won't tell you anything if you don't calm down." His face was deadly serious, eyes glowing ever so slightly. "Take a deep breath, and let it go."

Pai's brows furrowed down in a deep frown. She lowered her eyes to stare at where his hands touched hers as he kept a firm grip on her wrists. She forced herself to breathe normally, to calm herself. All she wanted to do was scream in frustration that she had to ask him to tell her what happened because she couldn't remember herself.

Her heart beat hard, so hard that she could feel it against the fabric of her shirt against her skin. She couldn't tell if it was because of how angry she was at her muddling memory, or if it was because of being so close to Shin. She did as he said and took in a deep breath before letting it out quickly.

"Again, slower," Shin commanded, watching her intently.

Her lips twitched, but she did as he said. She closed her eyes and dragged in another deep breath, letting this one out slowly and steadily. She repeated it, breathing in and out steadily, until her heart ceased its frantic pattering, and she no longer felt like the world was going to end if he didn't tell her what happened, immediately.

Shin released her hands slowly, almost hesitantly. He took a step back, and she opened her eyes when she felt the cold of the absence of his warm body beside hers. She looked up into his eyes, but there was a wall there, hiding his thoughts, and only showing her an inscrutable look on his face that she couldn't begin to understand.

"I am sorry," she said. "I do not know what came over me."

The corner of Shin's lips twitched. "You should stop saying sorry all the time. You have nothing to apologize for."

The wrinkles in your sweater say otherwise, she thought as she quickly looked away from the crinkled fabric. Her tongue flicked out to swipe over her dry lips, and she dragged in another calming breath before speaking again, keeping her eyes focused on the ground.