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Sex, Consent, and America!

In America (US), the current answers usually side on caution. You don't ask again, you don't touch without asking first, and you don't try again, even if you're already in a sexual situation (like making out). After asking, if the opposite party changes their mind, it is up to them to let you know. That's not how things were when I grew up, but that is how things are now. Part of the reason I'm mentioning this here is because a lot of readers are teenagers, and unless health class has changed, the most any of you hear about sex is to not have it.

So I'll go on record saying that consent is very important, especially in the US. Unless you've known someone a really long time, and know their attitude and mood extremely well (like living together and married for 10 years, not like boyfriend for a year), you must be very clear about what you want and expect. And even if you do think you know what they want very well, being wrong can have disastrous consequences.

Now why am I going on about sexual consent in America? The reason I'm speaking about this is because I've been reading an increasingly large amount of books hit in controversy, or at the very least, commentroversy, over scenes in which one party engages in sex with the other party without expressed permission. Let's face it, bad boys are like catnip for teenage girls. Every romance story needs that aggressive guy who will loosen a girl up, whether she says she wants it or not. Not even touching on rape fantasies, you have many many MANY romance stories that by the current American standard have the male lead committing the equivalent of rape. We've come a long way from the age in which a male lead kissing a woman who's saying no was considered "hot".

Let's face it, a hot and heavy scene where a woman is unwillingly willing while an aggressive, dangerous, yet super-hot man pushes her to the floor and has his way with her might be some girl's dream scene. Yet, by the current American standard, that is also very much rape.

So you end up seeing a pretty extreme division. There are those that insist this kind of writing adds to "rape culture" that encourages men in real life to treat women in real life that way. Personally, I believe this is a load of hogwash. Men in real life treat women that way because we don't teach children about sex properly in health classes. Sex as a taboo has created health classes that teach children that celibacy is the best method, glossing over so many important things people should know, not the least of which include how to properly ask and accept consent. A person is capable of separating fiction from reality (like violence in books/video games), but that's only if someone properly explains reality to them. If all you have to go by are examples in media, then of course you'd act that way. The way to fix that isn't to turn media into your source of education, but to actually have a legitimate and clear source of education.

The second group of people are those screaming "SJW" while getting angry that things they like are having them called rape apologists who contribute to rape culture. I don't really side with this group either. It's perhaps a too personal reaction to something that needs to be taken in context to the situation.

While even I struggle to understand the current culture, I recognize that this IS the current culture we live in. Therefore, when you're producing work, and expect it to be read by people living in this culture, you should be aware of how people perceive things. Therefore, when you're writing your main protagonist, you may want the guy to be dark, and forceful, and you may want the girl to be resistant, and have her "convinced", but also understand that would be a difficult scene to write without bothering some people. By the time you're done, half your readers may be disgusted with the main character you were expecting them to swoon over.

Even stories like Twilight are slammed for the hints at abuse. He stalks her, sneaking into her room and watching her sleep. He breaks her car when he doesn't want her to go somewhere. He also is a mere second away from hurting her severely from his barely restrained animalistic desires. To one set of ears, that sounds hot, to the other set, that's clearly the least healthy relationship ever conceived. I wonder if Twilight had come out in 2015 as opposed to 2005, if it'd have been nearly as loved. I'm betting you that given the changes over the last ten years, it probably would have been buried in negative criticism.