Catching Tatum

Chapter 18

The kisses came fast and freely after that with Cole; if it was all I was going to give him he would take as much as he could get.

On one of the nights he was home he asked about second base. I told him it wasn't an option at the time because of Parker. "Oh, c'mon, Tatum. That guy's all wrapped up in his old girl. He'll never be over her."

"Will you ever be over Stacy?"

"That's different. From what you've said he was a good boyfriend and tried everything to get her back and she still doesn't want him, but he still wants her."

"I know it's heartbreaking."

"For you—what if she comes back?"

"I know."

"Seriously," he said, "think about it. What if she does? You and I both know he'll be gone. Is that when you'll be ready to commit to me?"

"Look at you talking about commitment. Cole, I just got over being mad at you, don't piss me off. Parker or not I can't think about going further. I'm not ready to put my heart in your hands again." The truth was I couldn't risk giving him more because of him and because of Parker. "I need time. Give me that."

"I will, but I want you for myself. I don't want to share you with some other guy."

"Exactly my point! I don't want to share you ... and at least he's honest about it. You hid it from me and lied to me and I believed you."

"And that was the past."

"Yeah, but look what it took to change you."

The look on his face was something I can't even put into words. He knew how bad he had been. He knew it shouldn't have taken Stacy's suicide to straighten him up.

"I know, I know. It didn't have to happen, but it did and I'm different now because of it."

"I want to believe you; I really do. But I already did. I believed you every time you lied to me. You got caught by her, not me. She shouldn't have killed herself over you. She should have found somebody better, but my point is, she's not me, and you haven't been in a real relationship since she died, right?"

"Yeah, because I can't do that to someone."

"Yeah, but to me it kind of feels like you're afraid and I'm your guinea pig. I don't want to be. I want to be sure of you, or of Parker, or of any guy. I want to know for sure ..."

"What? That you're not going to get hurt again? But that's not how love works."

"Look at you talking," I said, irritated that he was going to give me advice on love.

"So let me, OK? Yeah, I screwed up and someone's dead because of it. I know she didn't have to do it. I know I didn't make her do it, but my actions caused it and there is nothing I can do to take it back. Nothing. And then I saw you and I had a second chance."

"Why not with some other girl?"

"Would you let me talk?" he continued. "Not with some other girl. I am afraid, just like you. I don't want to be like I used to, but what if I try my hardest and it's still not good enough and whoever I'm with does the same thing?"

"That's not going to happen."

"Can you guarantee me that?" He looked at me earnestly and readjusted his hat on his head. "You've never had the guilt of someone's death hanging over you. No matter what I did, which wasn't right, I didn't see that coming. I had no clue she was going to kill herself. None. And she's gone, and I'm to blame. I don't care what you say, or her parents say or the psychologists say. She's gone because of me. What if it happens again? I've spent all this time avoiding relationships because of that, and then I see you and I know I can try again. I can risk it. Love is worth it. I'm scared, Tatum... that I'll do something to screw it up, to screw you up and it'll be the same."