Tough Girl Out, Soft Girl In

Chapter 36

Gloria. In excelsis deo.
Gloria. In excelsis deo.

I smile at how beautiful my voice had sounded. I loved the way it sounded so divine. So graceful.

My lips dropped to a frown. If only my reputation was as beautiful and divine as much as my voice was.

Angels we have heard on high....

'It was only a performance. I sing, the rest of the glee club sing. Then we're done. I leave. It was only a performance. Not a protest. So why did they all  treat me like that?  Why did I get boo-d? Why did they yell over my part? Why did they jump up the stage? Why did they bring up my supposed 'naked pictures'? Why did everyone look at me in disgust? Why did they call me a disgrace?  Why did they scream, go kill yourself? Why did no one stop them?'

As I got in my car, people threw up finger signs. "Go kill yourself, ho*!" No one objected. Not a single person in this school felt sorry for me! Not a single cared!

Someone laughed. "I'll pay for the bleach!" They all laughed. Didn't they have something better to do with their life? I didn't. I didn't even feel as though I had a life. They had theirs, they needed to use it.

A tear fell down. I acted as if I didn't hear them and drove away. But really, kill myself? They wanted it so bad, it was kind of funny. What did I ever do to them? This whole thing started with just a false rumor. They spread it and then they believed it. They bullied me over it, not knowing one bit of the true story. They acted as if I killed someone. 

Now, they wanted me to kill me to kill myself. I wasn't letting that happen that though. I was not killing myself. Killing myself was living with this crap, and I wasn't letting that happen. 

I was going to free myself. I was making the right decision for myself. I needed to fulfill it before I got cowardly and backed away.

Well, I thought, at least I'd see her.

****

Alex

To say I wasn't angry about this whole thing was a lie. I gave off this whole, 'it's okay, I understand", vibe. And even though I did feel like that, that was only twenty percent of my true feelings. Just because this started because of me didn't mean I started it. I didn't make her go through this. I would never do that to my beautiful woman.

It hurt me, seeing her hurt. She went from this lively, funny, sweet, shy, and beautiful girl to the beautiful girl with the empty eyes. She looked lonely, hurt, and depressed. I would kill to get the old Monica back. But she let go of me, completely. She never answered my calls, read my messages but never replied. I went to texting her only, then stopped when realizing my messages probably were making her feel guilty. I didn't want to add any more negative feelings to her.

I felt like a loser. Obviously, she needed somebody. And obviously, I wasn't fighting hard enough, or even at all, for her. That was the harsh truth.

But this wasn't the end. I cared about her, I loved her, way too much to let her suffer on her own.

I wasn't the type of person to let go of something I  wanted or needed without a fight. She may have thought we were over, but she's wrong. So wrong. I just needed to give her her time. But the time was killing me. 

But every time I thought that way, there was this unsettling feeling in my heart. It's been happening for days now. I didn't get it. Every time I thought about her and finding a way to associate with her again, something went off in my heart. I felt it beat faster, like I was running a thousand mile race.

Like right now. But something was a little different too. I was sweating this time.

I threw off my covers. I looked around my small living room. There was no A.C in our house but the windows were up. It couldn't be that hot. "Sandy!" I called. She was in the living room on her phone, like she always was.

"Yeah?!" She yelled back.

"Are you hot?" I asked.

"Nope! It's not hot. The windows are up, aren't they?"

I ignored her question and paced around my room. My heart was beating way too fast, I was sweating now, my head was starting to hurt. I was starting to breath faster. I put my hands on my chest, attempting to slow down my breath. I couldn't. I gasped for air, and got too much. It struck a blow to my chest and I staggered back.

Panic attack. I was having a panic attack. I had them before, but this was as severe as they ever got.

So why did I run to my car? Why did my beating heart immediately remind me of Monica?

Was it because I felt like I was losing my breath and felt as if I had to run to her for...?

Or was it something else?

Is this confusing?

But I apologize for not updating!!!! I'm so so so sorry. I had school start, and hadn't the time for writing. Plus, I had writer's block. But I'm back...but almost gone. I'm chapter this to be the third to the last chapter of TGOSGI.  I'm sorry if this was confusing, but there is chances that you will understand in the next chapter.