I am such a freaking chicken
I can't talk to anyone without almost having a nervous breakdown.
I can talk to GRACE but... I can't talk to another person I've been around for.. at least 7 years.
Except... it probably was because I had a low confidence then...
I came in with confidence before people we knew showed up..
No one that I've talked to face-to-face actually likes me.
They don't acknowledge my existence.
Ya know what!? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I CARE SO MUCH.
... ALL THEY HAVE DONE IS JUST LEAVE ME IN THE DUST OR HURT MY FEELINGS OR JUST PLAIN IGNORE ME.
AND THE REASON IS BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T FOLLOW RULES, I DON'T LIKE HOW THEY USUALLY ACT, AND I CAN NEVER FIND SOMETHING SIMILAR BETWEEN ANY OF THEM.
IT SUCKS BECAUSE I HAVE MY FRIEND BESIDE ME WHO IS LIKABLE WHEN I'M OVER HERE STOPPING MYSELF FROM CRYING FROM IT.
IT HURTS A LOT MORE THAN I WANT IT TO.
I'M JUST CRYING RIGHT NOW AS I TYPE THIS...
it has just been one and a half weeks into school and I'm already having my second nervous breakdown...
My life sucks because I can't even bring myself to be able to make actual friends.
You guys are my friends but... There is the slimmest chance of me ever being face to face to you...
I lied okay? I lied on how it was fine.
All I wanted to do was just talk to him... that was what I wanted to do.
He's really cool to me. And he's funny. I really like him but...
All it's doing to be around where he is... Is just slowly making me feel like I'm dying.
Because I know one thing.
I'm never going to have a chance.
I'm scared. Scared to talk to him.
Because I don't want to FREAKIN scare him off! Just like I do to everyone!
I scare people for being myself.
High school is fun. It really is.
But I'm scared to be myself still...
And that just brings everything freaking together.
I'm scared that if I eat food, people will call me a pig, I'm scared that people will call me a freak for who I am, I'm just scared of being judged in general...
No one else I know seems to have that issue.
Grace can talk to people that I can't... well usually... (you know exactly what I mean)
A girl I know that is younger than me Is dating a friggin Senior and she is never afraid to talk to someone..
Everyone in my class from my parish but me has been able to make a connection of some sort with a guy.
A form of friendship, a relationship, anything...
The closet I've ever gotten,
is nowhere...
I'm seriously pissed off at myself about everything.
I wanna talk to Matt so much. I just want to talk to him and tell him that I like him.
But that has a one in a million chances of working. Because I'm pretty sure some other people would like him a lot and he might just like them the same way.
Everyone saying he likes me either is just trying to get my hopes up or just plain lying to me.
I'm sorry.. but I can't do it anymore.
This time when I say I don't WANT to have a crush... I seriously know I'll forget about it by tomorrow.
But it still hurts enough that I'm not gonna try.
I meant to freaking add this before.
But the other random book I have is where I am continuing this. Kay? Kay
