Finding herself.

Bad Day

 I woke up the next morning because I hear some one talking. Couldn't make it out though. I turned my head to face the door which was slightly open and saw Alex and Daddy talking. I sat up and rubbed my eyes having a yawn escape my lips as well. Daddy must've heard me because he came in saying "Good morning Hun, Did I wake you? I didn't mean to. Alex and I were just talking over some things." he picked me up out of bed and I could already tell today was not going to be a good day. I heard Daddy make an audible "uh oh" and I looked up at him making a "huh?" noise. He set me down and  I looked over at the bed. Oh my god I got my period. Daddy started taking off the sheets and throwing them into a pile while he told me to go shower to ask Becca to wash me if I needed someone. I got so overwhelmed that tears ran down my face. Daddy jumped up and cooed at me telling me it's not my fault and they just have to be cleaned. I got frustrated because I know I shouldn't have been crying and I screamed "Jackson just leave me alone!" as I ran into the bathroom slamming the door behind me. I turned the shower on and sat in the shower in my bloody panties and beaten up t shirt with my knees to my chest. He's always telling me everything is okay and that I'm okay, but I'm not okay. I'm so far from okay. In a few weeks I'm starting college and we haven't even talked about it. I haven't been to my therapist in months because I've felt so good with Jackson that I haven't had to go. He makes me so happy, but I don't know how I could possibly make him happy. I'm an anxious potato who never does anything right. I hate being out of little space. It makes me go into a downwards spiral that Jackson has to clean up. I peeled off the t shirt and panties and put them in the other corner of the shower. I let the water hit me as I tried to breath. I picked my hands up and just looked at them. Jackson gave me this ring because he loves me and he wants me to know he does. I don't know how he could love me. Eventually I got up and got my clothes. I stepped out and addressed my bleeding issue. I walked out of the bathroom and saw that the bed was made. I picked out another big t shirt that I've had for a long time and I put on some regular panties. I peeked out of the room and went downstairs and to the kitchen. I needed medication and something to eat. I heard Derek say my name as I came down the stairs. "Hey Amelia whatcha doing?" he said. "Im getting something to eat." I said as I took out some pizza bagels. "Something happen this morning?" He asked as he turned on the oven for me". I lied and said no as I got some Advil out and took it. I put my food in the oven and walked out back. I laid in the hammock because it was nice out. There was such a nice breeze that it rocked back and forth. I put on some music while I wait for my food to relax me. Again the bad thoughts popped back into my brain. I let out a sign. After a little bit I heard the oven timber go off and I got my food and headed back to the room. I  didn't want to talk to Jackson, so I sat on the little balcony we have. I started looking up things about the college I was going to. I looked up apartments and just the culture surrounding the college. I heard a knock at the glass door and didn't look up knowing it was Jackson. He came out and sat in front of me and when I didn't look up or respond to my name he took my computer and I protested. "Amelia talk to me." I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I hated talking to people. Especially about my feelings. "Why do you want me?" I asked as I looked at the ground. "Baby why're you asking me this? Have I done something?" I shook my head. "Well for starters you're super smart. You were like the top of our class. You're beautiful with an amazing personality. You know how to make me feel like a Daddy. Taking care of you and just looking out for you makes me happy." He pulled me into his lap once I started crying. "But Im messed up.. I'm nothing good." He kissed my head and said "But that makes you you. Im not perfect either. You keep me grounded. C'mon Amelia. Be little. Ill try to put you in little space because I know you'll feel better Okay?" I nodded. He brought me inside and sat me on the bed. He popped my paci in my mouth and teddy in my lap. We started watching cartoons while he talked quietly to me about how much he loves me. "Little one you're my everything." He said quietly. I looked up and from behind my paci I said "I love you Daddy.".