What Have We Become

"I knew."

Riley

I couldn't breathe.

Here I was just accepting that Lucas was back in my life and now I find out he has a daughter.

A daughter with our dead friend!

I am dying on the inside but outwardly I am smiling at this innocent little girl knowing this isn't her fault.

"How old are you," I smile down at Carly.

"This many!" She says shyly holding up 3 fingers.

"Not yet baby girl," Lucas chuckles, "in two weeks you will be there."

She snuggles into his neck yawning.

I can't help but feel my heart clench at the sight.

He's a natural.

The way he looks at her is beautiful.

It's the way I imagined he would look at our children someday.

A someday I am beginning to realize was never going to happen after Cara died.

"Can I use your restroom?" I asked quietly.

"First door on the right," Lucas said trying to read my facial expressions.

I slipped out the door and made a split second decision as I ran down the steps.

Unfortunately I ran into his Aunt Cass.

"Hey Hun," she said kindly, "You alright?"

"Umm," I said trying to hold it together, "Can you tell Lucas I had to go home. Something came up and I'll just see him at school."

Before she could respond I ran out the door and down the street as fast as I could.

I needed to get home.

I needed to see Maya or Adam.

I wanted to yell at Farkle for keeping me in the dark.

I didn't even realize I was sobbing my eyes out until I noticed my reflection as I passed a shop in town.

I'd been running for a good 20 minutes when I reached the train station.

With my ticket in hand I boarded not even noticing Lucas calling out my name.

The doors closed and I took my seat as I began to sob again.

I looked out the window to see him staring at me hurt.

I closed my eyes hoping he'd leave but he didn't and as the train left the station I couldn't bare to look at his face to I closed my eyes, letting my tears fall freely until we were out of the city.

Back in NYC I felt numb to the core.

I realized I needed to talk to someone but first I needed to yell.

I sent texts to everyone I need to see and told them all to meet me at the park at different times.

I sat and waited for my first person solemnly and when he arrived I couldn't even look at him.

"So," I began quietly, "Lucas took me up north."

His sigh confirmed my suspicions.

"Just say it," I whisper.

"I knew," Farkle says sadly, "I knew from the moment he left the cemetery that's where he was going to go."

"Which was where?" I ask bitterly.

"To make sure the implant had worked," he said, " His aunt was the surrogate and she had found out she was pregnant the day of the funeral."

I chuckled humorlessly, "so you both knew even then and you didn't say anything to anyone?"

"I was sworn to secrecy," Farkle pleads, "I never wanted to hurt you but I made a promise."

"Does Maya know?" I ask.

"She suspects," Farkle admits, "She found a picture of Luke and Carly awhile back on my phone. But I doubt she knows it's Cara's baby."

"And Adam?" I say bitterly, "Does my boyfriend know my ex and his dead wife have a child together?"

"Not that I'm aware of," Farkle says guiltily.

I nod my head once and stand, "You were my friend. I trusted you to tell me the truth. And even when you knew where he was, you lied to my face."

"Riles," he began.

"You and Lucas have lied to all of us and I'm not sure I can trust you anymore, Farkle," I say feeling the tears return.

"I never meant to hurt you," he replies, "Neither did Lucas."

"Yet here we are," I say sassily, "Oh but don't worry about smiley Riley! She won't mind because she's sunshine and Rainbows and life is always going to be happy in her eyes right? Well guess what!? I'm not her anymore! I haven't been her since the day I found out I was going to lose one of my best friends to cancer! And I knew she wasn't coming back the day Lucas left. If you think I'm ever going to be that girl again you're not the genius I thought you were."

I take a deep breath and sit back down on the bench.

"I'm expecting someone so please leave," I manage to get out before closing my eyes tightly, trying to forget my awful day.

I'm not sure how long I sat there with my eyes closed all I know is that I felt someone come and kiss my forehead and I instantly opened them.

"Hey babe," Adam said smiling happily, "I've missed you."

His face fell as he saw how puffy my eyes were.

"What's going on?" He asked solemnly.

"Lucas...he.....Cara....baby," I managed to blubber out.

His face held confusion so I tried to start at the beginning telling him as much as I knew.

His beautiful face went through so many emotions I knew he was hurt just as badly as I was.

"So my wife had a baby with her best friend and not me?" He asked quietly.

I nodded, "Your wife's best friend who happened to be my boyfriend is the father of Cara's daughter."

"It's a girl," he says looking at me hopefully.

I smile kindly, "Yeah, Carly. She looks just like Cara."

Adams eyes instantly glistened with tears as he covered his face with his hands.

"Riley, I love you, you know that right?" He whispered.

I nodded.

"But is it wrong that my heart hurts knowing that the person I planned on loving for the rest of my life chose someone else to have a little girl we'd talked about having?" He cried.

I could feel tears falling as I pulled him to me holding him as he wept openly on my lap in the middle of the park.

The loves of our lives had seemingly betrayed us and had left us feeling like we had been unworthy.