Real Life Liars

a crazy

A TRANSFER - Scott
A SLUT - Ruby 
A JOCK- Nick
A PRETTY - Rebekah
A CRAZY - Anastasia
A NERD - Kaname
A BITCH - Carmen

Playlist:
BLUE Troye Sivan Feat. Alex Hope
WHERE'S MY LOVE syml
HUMAN Krewella

Hospitals always reminded Anastasia of depression in summer. Blurry, white and gossamer.

People who haven't experienced depression perceive depression as wearing long sleeves and moping around, whereas normal people are enjoying their summer break and engaging in physical activities like swimming or gardening. In reality it's just the same in and out - everyday passing in a blur of whiteness and a hazy of nothingness.

"Are you alright?" A middle-age nurse inquires, checking on Anastasia. Always checking on her.

It was the type of alright that meant they didn't actually care, an insouciant alright. Are you alright? I want to go home to my family, this is just a way to pay the bills. Clearly Anastasia was not alright. But she responded with a bright yes, because that is what the nurse wanted to hear. Although it didn't stop her from wondering what the nurse would do if she had answered no. No she wasn't alright.

Hours or minutes, or even days later, her parents came to visit. Dark bags lay wearily under their eyes and she felt so guilty for the pressure she was putting on them. If only she hadn't failed. Then they'd be free.

"Are you getting better?" Mum asked hopefully.

Anastasia nodded. She lied.

"Are you taking your medicine?"

She nodded again. Another lie.

The yellow pills made her sleepy. They made her feel like soft cotton, warm and fluffy, though tangled inside.

"Anastasia, as your parents we want you to get better. We really do. You are our only daughter and we love you. Please just... I don't know, try. For us."

For a completely selfish moment she wished that mental health was like a normal illness. She wished people brought her flowers, and wrote in cards, and told her that they loved her and that she would get better soon. Instead people looked upon her with awkward silence. They gave her unsure smiles and meaningless reassurances. People didn't understand that she was suffering, that this wasn't her choosing. This was a disease. A black whole that sucked away her happiness and left her a shell of her old self. 

She didn't have to energy to argue that she was trying. Anastasia tried like hell to fight off the black hole. She was so tired of trying. So settled she settled for a nod. Another lie.

Anastasia remembers once they asked her 'why?'. Why does she have depression. She remembered thinking that was a funny thing to ask. She didn't know why she had depression. Her parents weren't divorced, she lived in a nice suburb in a nice house, she had decent friends, she had a little brother who loved her, she had a boyfriend before the incident happened. She didn't know why she had depression. She wished she didn't.

Anastasia supposed the disease didn't chose it's victim. Same as cancer didn't chose it's sufferer. She was just fighting a battle in her head rather than her physical body.

"Anastasia, honey, we are going to go now, but we'll be back soon. We both love you dearly."

She gritted her teeth, wanting to scream at them: they didn't have to walk on eggshells for her. Her parents didn't have to watch what they said around her. She wasn't a freak. However Anastasia remained silent and watched wearily as they left the hospital room, but not before  giving her one last unsure smile.

Anastasia was an enigma to them.

They couldn't understand why she had tried to do it. Where did they go wrong in their parenting?

Emptiness consumed her. Staring out the glass window with dull eyes she watched as people walked past. Lifeless eyes peered upon what she wished her life what like. Why was she stuck with this disease? Anastasia didn't want to be sad. She wanted to be outside these walls, walking past the building with no blackness bubbling inside her.

Remembering a quote she once heard: "Depression is a flaw in chemistry, not character." She wished society would see her mental illness that way.

She wasn't flawed.

Just sick.