Learn to Love Again

page 2

POV Elaine

"There!! Look how pretty!! "

Betty squealed standing behind me with a smile of pride on her lips, quite sure that this was her best work yet but all I could do is sit there looking at myself in the mirror with a frown, looking and feeling deeply unhappy. I hated seeing myself in a mirror.

There was a time when I would spend time in front of the mirror to do my make up, examine myself until I felt I looked good enough to grace the world with my painted beauty but now I hated it. I hate seeing my eyes that looked lifeless and surrounded with dark circles and I hate seeing my body or even just a glimpse of it all.

I am disgusted by beauty, more precise by my so called beauty. I have realized very quickly that if I wanted to be left alone by people, especially men; I should distance myself from anything that has to do with beauty. The baggier and uglier the outfit, the less comments would be made.... The more natural look on ones face makes them look past you, as if you do not exist; which is exactly what I want.
"I look stupid..."

I muttered whilst looking at myself sideways in the mirror so it would at least seem like I am showing interest and Betty gasped, pretending to be hurt.
"Elaine!! I spend a whole hour doing that.."

I smiled at her and gave a sigh. Betty really did make my hair look pretty, she braided my hair and intertwined it with a beautiful flower crown with gorgeous flowers that really complimented the silverish grey almost green eyes of mine and I had to admit that it showed off the best features of my face, a dull face with no make up on, just freckles that decorates my cheeks and nose, proof of my days in the sun alongside Herman....but like I said anything done with beauty annoys me. Beauty is why I am who I am today.
Beauty attracts attention... Unwanted attention.

The flower crown went well with my white dress, a dress that had its better days, it was washed out and pale, no longer the white one would expect from something white. I looked and felt like a gypsy and I love this dress. It doesn't show my arms or my legs nor does it place any focus on waist that's hiding underneath the formless dress and my lushes curves which I sometimes despise.

Hiding It all is better that way, in order not to draw any attention to myself..Again, I refuse to place an direct view on myself.... But this flower crown does the exact opposite.
It attracts attention and says hey I'm here look at me!!
Please.. No one look... Just leave me alone... I hate stares, I hate eyes bulging at me as if I am some kind of delicious meat to be eaten.

I hate mans barbaric sexual fantasies that they no longer care to hide, which they so proudly put on display by openly commenting vulagrities as if it is supposed to make you feel complimented. I sometimes wonder if those same men acting like sexual predators would endure the same treatment towards their daughters one day.

"I know you spend a lot of time with this.. But
can you please take it off?"
I practically begged Betty with my best puppy dog eyes but Betty shook her head with a stern look on her face.

"No. You will keep it on. You need to start
living again Elaine.. Look I don't know what happened
with you or to you and I really wish you would tell
me so I can help you...."

"Ughhh...! Not another sermon please Betty!"
I got up from the chair and threw the shoulder cover on a nearby chair trying to move away from her but she wasn't going to give up on this and even though she might be the only one to show genuine care I do not feel comfortable with the idea of sharing the darkness inside of me with her. I mean, what if I do share and she rejects me for being this wretched human being that I am; or even worse, judges me.