A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Stalin...

PROLOGUE

May 14, 1998

The streets of New York City were littered with thousands of beings, all filled with anticipation as Times Square was lit with the presence of the final episode of Seinfeld. Gerald, a young teen stood amongst the crowd, his arms clutched at his books, pinning them against his chest as his backpack stuck firmly to his back. This was it. His eyes lit up brighter than Stalin testing a nuke, the crowd grew louder, the anticipation made the crowd starve more than Russia during Stalin's reign. Then it happened. The iconic melody seized the airwaves of New York City, accompanied by Jerry Seinfeld's soothing voice. Gerald was in bliss. Utopia. He had waited for this moment since the day he was born. There was something bittersweet about that night, Gerald gladly seized the title of the world's largest Seinfeld fan, he had anticipated every episode like it was the last, but that night really was it. After that night, there would be no more Seinfeld. No more Kramer or George. His life would be meaningless, or so he thought. As the credits came to a close, silence fell upon the crowd.

After several moments, thunderous applause occupied the streets of New York City, this may have been the greatest night many of those people had experienced. The Square eventually cleared, with thousands going home to ponder that cold bittersweet night. Gerald let out a sigh, and began to walk home.

After walking for what seemed like an eternity, bouncing thoughts of Seinfeld around his head that was crowned with luscious light brown curls, he saw the boys from school all standing in the shallow region of a dark alleyway. They all sounded like a bad impression of Joe Peci, their hair greaser than the face of that one teen who works a McDonald's grill. They all wore what looked like shitty Fonzy Halloween costumes. Gerald's heart began to pound, his pores released pure moistness to calm him down.

"Hey Gerald!" one boy said, in his thick "New Yorker" accent.

"What?!" Gerald squeaked back, a hint of sass in his voice.

"You see Seinfeld, tonight?" the tallest boy asked.

"Yeah, what's it to you?" he replied.

"You seen that magic trick he did?" the greasiest, rodent-looking boy asked.

"What magic trick?" Gerald asked, confusion sweeping over him.

"Come over here, I'll show you!" the leader exclaimed.

Gerald, although hesitant, accepted their offer, slowly approaching the group with his gaze locked to his feet. As soon as he looked up at the boys, he saw a flash of white and immediately fell back, hitting the cold, grimy ground hard. His books scattered across the pavement.They erupted with laughter.

"Assholes, they'll never be like Jerry" Gerald muttered under his breath, as he attempted to get back on his feet.

As he rose, he noticed a girl standing at the corner of the opposite street. It was Tempest. She wore a dress covered with small drawings of roses, it looked majestic blowing in the wind. It was difficult for Gerald to make out her face, as she was mostly shrouded in darkness, but he knew she looked beautiful. He had liked her since they first met in fifth grade, as soon as he gazed into her emerald green eyes, he knew. Gerald felt embarrassed, having just been attacked in front of her, his one true love besides Jerry. Gerald continued walking home.

She walked over to him.

"Are you ok?" she asked with worry, her gorgeous face finally being illuminated by the pale moonlight.

"Yeah, I'm fine, thanks" Gerald replied, feeling back as he felt as though he was brushing her off in a desperate attempt to seem unfazed.

Silence filled the air.

"Hey...um...can I ask you something that might seem a little weird?" she asked, feeling as awkward as Stalin.

"Yeah, sure"

"Ok...well...I know that Jerry is your one true love and all, but...well... I want you to be my Daddy" she replied, now feeling as awkward as Lenin.

"You're what?" Gerald exclaimed with shock, even though he was filled with excitement.

"Well...like I want you to take care of me, so you'd cuddle me, get me toys, and look after me. Love me"

"YES! Yes I'd love to be your Daddy!" Gerald responded with pure ecstasy coursing through his veins.

"We'd also do other stuff, too... if you catch my drift" she said, winking at the conclusion of her sentence.

Gerald gulps hard, but not as hard as she will soon.

"Hey, my parents aren't home if you wanna come over" she offered, a hint of arousal in her voice.

Gerald looks up at her, his eyes filled with flabbergastment, as his pants tighten like Stalin's grip on a 2K1 Mars.

"Ok" he replied, as she grabbed his hand and began to run.

Seinfeld was responsible for almost every major moment in Gerald's life, and once again, Seinfeld had done it again.