How To Ruin Your Life

Step 3: Overwork Yourself (Preferably At A Job You Hate)

"So, Piper, do you want to hang out after school?" Assholovich won't leave me the fuck alone.

"Can't. I have work." Leave me the fuck alone. "Why don't you ask Audrey? She'd love to have a play-date with you, I'm sure." Two birds, one stone.

Assholovich glares at me, which only amuses me further. "What? Do you not like me being an asshole? Maybe you should go tell Audrey how much of a fucking bitch I am. Maybe that would solve your problems." I never claimed to be nice.

"You know what? I think that you're actually a really nice person, but you're just trying to look tough, and that's why you're so mean."

I give the most bullshit 'you're right' look. "You know what? Yeah, I'm being a complete asshole because I think it makes me cool. You got me. You're the real genius. You've cracked the code. I'm so glad that someone can point out my flaws as a human being and then make a wild guess as to what's wrong. Thanks for the diagnosis, doctor. I really feel helped." I let my face drop. "Why don't you go tell Audrey your fucking report of why I'm an asshole. Maybe you guys can piece together a bullshit backstory, too."

I walk away, hoping to God that it all left him speechless. He needs to stop bothering the fuck out of me.

But, of course, he continues to tag along. "I just want to help you," he says while placing his arm on my shoulder. Not today, fuckface.

I grab his wrist and throw it off my shoulder. "Don't pull this 'I'm superior so I think I should help the less fortunate' bullshit. I'm fucking done with your condescending attitude. Just leave me the fuck alone. I'm fine, just like everyone else on this goddamn planet. Leave me the fuck alone."

"This is what I'm talking about. Most people don't act like this. Most people, when offered help that they obviously need will take it. You're different; you don't act like a normal human being."

I roll my eyes then copy the beginning of his statement. "This is what I'm talking about, the condescending rhetoric. You literally think that you are fucking superior and can 'fix me'. Well, let me tell you something; I don't need anyone to fix me. I'm a-okay the way I am, mate." I speed up my pace. "This 'let me help you' bullshit might work on other people, Audrey for example, but I'm not falling for this bullshit. Now, if you'll let me be, I have to get to work."

After the overly-strenuous school day, I change into my work clothes in the school bathroom. Afterwards, I run down to the local pizza place, which is only a couple blocks from the school. God, I hate my workplace.

I hate pizza. I was never very fond of it, but working at a pizza place really ruined it for me. Tonight, I have to man the front counter and sauce the pizzas, which will be the death of me. I hate pizza, I hate the store, and I hate the customers. At least most of my coworkers aren't too bad.

If Diane, one of our regulars hasn't died of a fucking heart attack yet, she'll be ordering her usual two extra-cheese, stuffed crust, large pizzas. We all know that she eats both of them herself, and we've all placed bets on when she'll die. That's probably a really shitty thing to do, but it's what we do to make it through the day.

I am working with the best coworkers tonight, so I should be slightly less miserable than usual. Joyce, the funniest out of us all, will probably work counter (thank God) because she is good at talking to people. Andrew will be on delivery tonight. He really just loves making everyone smile. Also, he's famous for his parties, but that's a different story.

Lastly, there's Grey. That's not his real name, but that's what everyone calls him. Grey is different from everyone.

Anyway, I get to work earlier than everyone else, seeing as the people from the last shift are still there.

"Hey guys, I'm just going to clean up back here." They were used to me coming early and doing extra work. They didn't mind, especially because it means that they have less work to do. My shift starts in a half-hour, so I've got plenty of time to clean everything thoroughly.