The Memory Playlist

Forever

" 'Cause forever just ain't long enough."

Another restless night, another uneasy morning. Once again I drag myself out of Andy's arms and the ocean of sheets below, once again I yawn and stretch as I shuffle into the bathroom, once again I pull three pregnancy tests from my drawer and use them, once again I wait with a heavy heart, once again-- negative.

I sigh as I throw the tests away and wash my hands and fall into my routine. This is the fifth time I've done this-- I'm so tired of this.

"Baby Doll?" Andy asks from the bedroom. I can hear him stretching in the bed, hear him waking up.

"Negative," I announce, sighing. I brush my hair and sigh at my reflection. I don't look nearly as haggard as I feel.

"You didn't even wait for me to wake up," he says. You can tell he's disappointed by the sound if his voice.

I sigh as I look down at the sink, feeling bad. I push myself off and walk into the room again. He's sitting up, rubbing his eyes. "I'm sorry," I say, sitting on the bed.

He yawns and opens his eyes to me, his head tilting onto his shoulder. "You look really beautiful right now."

I sigh and glance at my lap. "Stop," I say.

"I'm serious, you do," he says. "You look beautiful all the time, but with the lighting from the balcony... Breathtaking." He reaches for his phone.

"Andy," I breathe.

He holds his phone up as I look up at him. "Gorgeous," he says, snapping a picture.

I sigh and crawl towards my side of the bed. "Stop it," I repeat, huffing and laying on my side.

He sighs and moves, cradling my body from behind. "What's wrong, baby?" he asks, kissing my shoulder. His arms tighten around me.

I cringe at the word. The one thing I can't do for him. "This is the fifth time I've been denied," I say, my eyes shutting to block the rush of tears threatening to fall. "What if I really can't have kids, Andy? This is all my fault!" My tears burst from my eyelids and I can't stop now.

"Niki." He quickly spins me around and pulls me into him. "Honey, it's okay. It's not your fault. It's okay."

"It is my fault!" I sob. "I'm the one who can't carry your kid! That's all you want from me and I can't give it to you!"

"Niki, the only thing I want from you is your love, and I have it entirely," he says. "Even if we never get a kid, which we will, I'd still be happy with you. You're the only thing I need."

I sigh and bury myself in the skin between his collar bones. "You deserve more," I say.

"I don't need more," he says. "All I need is you."

I sniffle and shut my eyes. "Stop making me feel better. You should be upset."

He kisses my hair. "I understand your condition, Baby Doll. It may take a while, but even your doctor said you could have kids. In fact, he said when you do, you'll have twins! That's more than anything I could ever ask of you, honey."

"You want to be a dad," I argue meekly.

"I want to be with you forever more," he murmurs. "You're my one and only. My heart and soul."

I sigh as my tears start to dry. "I hate that you're so nice to me when I don't deserve it," I mutter.

"Hmm?" He moves away slightly to hear me.

I sigh as I move, sitting up. "Nothing," I say. I shake out my hair and move to the end of the bed.

Andy sits up quickly and moves to be next to me. He grabs my hands and kisses my cheek, lingering for a few moments.