Blake.

I'm Barely Coping Myself

AN// I just realised how heavy this book is getting - sorry guys. I hope you're liking it though. Let me know what you think of it and how it's all turning out. This chapter is a bit of a shock (just pre-warning you). Don't forget to vote, comment and share.

"You know you can't force me to go!" I scream at my mother. I look at her now and see nothing but anger and pure hatred. I used to see a much more positive side to her, but now she just wants me to do things her way.
"She meant a great deal to you. You should go." My mother returns back, equally as loud as I do.
"I don't care!" I reply completely flat. I hide any emotion from my voice, from my face. I cross my arms and press my lips together to form a tight line on my face. I remember what the therapist said, I need to just keep breathing.
"You do, sweetie. I know you do." She tells me, calming down and trying to be maternal again.
"How do you know what I care about?!" I ask her with severe venom in my voice.
"I know you, you're my son." She says again, almost trying to convince herself of what she's saying.
"Well where were you 3 months ago, when Curtis died? You weren't there to tell me to go to his funeral! You weren't there for me when I was in hospital! You're a useless excuse of a mother." I shout at her, angry as hell.
"You know I was working Blake. I had to. I'm sorry, I've already told you that." She tells me, sounding as if she is going to give up. I don't know what to reply to that. Sure, she had told me she was sorry, but that doesn't change the fact. Nothing can change the past.
"Why are you so angry at the world?" She asks all of a sudden, very quietly.
"What?" I ask, her question takes me back.
"You're so so angry at the world. Why?" She asks simply.
"Are you seriously asking me that?!" I shout at her, almost crying, "Have you not seen the past half year of my life? Are you really so blind to see how it's affected me? How it's affecting me still?" I ask.
"You act like you don't care but you do." She tells me, and we're back to the beginning again.
"Of course I care! It's Bianca for God's sake!" I shout, shocked at myself for saying her name.
"Why won't you go?" My mother asks me slowly.
"She'll ask questions." I tell her vulnerably.
"What do you mean?" She asks.
"I'm still her boyfriend, she'll ask why I haven't visited her. She's been awake for like a month and I haven't seen her once." I tell my mum, frustrated. Why can't she see just how hard it is for me.
"So change it and go and see her." She tells me. I take a deep breath and nod my head. Maybe it's time.

Slowly, I walk through the all too familiar double doors, my shoes squeaking on the floor with every step I take. A nurse smiles at me, I recognise her face but can't remember her name. Without thinking, I sign in at reception and walk the corridors to her new room. After she got out of her coma, they moved her. She's no longer in the intensive care unit. My heart pounds in my chest as I grow nearer to her room. I've never been there before but I've planned it in my head - I know the floor plans of this hospital, probably, better than the architects who designed and built it. As I turn the corner, I catch sight of her through the glass in her door and quickly duck out of view. She looks so beautiful and strong. I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. Two steps. I'm in her room. As sons as she sees me, her face lights up.
"Blake?" She asks me, in that gorgeous voice of hers.

Bianca's POV
"Blake?" I ask him.  Of course it's him, I don't know why I asked.
"Yes?" He asks me back.
"You're here." I tell him, to which, he replies with a nod. It's so good to see him. Words can not describe how much I've missed him in the last month. He sits down in the chair next to me and takes my hand in his.
"Why haven't you visited?" I ask him suddenly, breaking the silence between us.
"I-I don't know." He tells me, shaking his head sadly. "I'm sorry." He says.
"It's fine. You're here now." I say and shut my eyes. Something's wrong with him. It's like the old Blake is nowhere inside him.

Before, the silence between us used to be sweet and filled with unspoken loving thoughts, but now, the silence is ugly and awkward. His presence almost makes me uncomfortable. I've missed him so much but why does it feel like I shouldn't. He might've just been busy; at least that's what I've been telling myself every day since I woke up.

"So what's been happening?" I ask him awkwardly.
"Umm..." He says, as if he's going to actually say something but then he just doesn't finish his sentence.
"How is everybody? Millie came in last week but, how's it going with Davon? Curtis?" I ask him.

Blake's POV
"Millie," she says, and I think of the sweet blonde girl who I haven't seen in such a long time. She came to visit me a few times in the hospital, but I wasn't very good company so I think she got bored of me.
"Davon?" She continues, and immediately, my blood boils. He's the reason this whole mess started. If it weren't for him, everything could be different.
"Curtis?" She asks last and I just go speechless.
"Oh God." I mutter, as a sudden wave of realisation hits me.
"What?" She asks, confused. Her big brown eyes stare at me, begging to know more.
"You don't know..." I say slowly.
"Know what?" She asks me, worried now.
"Millie and Davon are okay." I tell her and I try to say something about him, but it's just too hard to say his name. A lump forms in my throat, which makes it difficult to speak.
"What about Curtis?" She asks. His name feels like a stab in the chest. I must've let out a sigh or some kind of sign on my face because her face turns dark all of a sudden.
"What happened?" She asks again, her continual talking reminds me of Annie for a second.
"I-I-I have to go." I say and jump up, unable to be in the same room as her. She doesn't know how I feel. She wasn't even that close to him. She doesn't know how it feels to have his lips on yours. She does not know and she never will.
"Don't go." She whispers, just before I get to the door. I should tell her what's happened, I owe her that at the least.

"So," I say, taking a breath, "There-there was an accident." I whisper, thinking back to that fateful day. "We were crossing a road, we didn't look, I was stupid, so so stupid. I didn't see the car. It was my fault. It's my fault." I mumble, tears streaming down my face.
"It's not your fault, you couldn't know a car would be coming. It should've stopped for you." She tells me, almost reassuringly. I nod and wipe my face, trying to take in what she is saying.
"So why hasn't he come to see me then?" She asks me innocently. I clench my jaw. She obviously hasn't understood. I can't deal with delicacies anymore.
"He's dead okay? Curtis is dead." I shout at her, my temper flaring at her stupidity. Why can't she understand? Why did she make me say it?

A gasp escapes her lips. Her heart monitor begins to beat slightly faster. Small sobs come from her mouth. Her whole body shudders slightly after every sob. A heartbreaking look in her eyes urges me to leave. She pleads me to stay with her eyes but my whole body is telling me to leave. I imagine myself running over to her, gripping her hand tightly and comforting her. Telling her everything will be okay and we'll make it through together. But I can't do that. I'm barely coping myself. So I turn and walk out the door, without looking back at Bianca.