Restless

9:37 PM

Well, here it is at 9:37 pm on an average Monday. Here I am with a shit rant about myself.

I've started a row of quotes hanging on my wall. I see them everyday. I love the words. They comfort me and give me peace. I like to look at then and read them and think about living a life according to them.

But I realize now that I've become self absorbed with the idea of self discovery. I have become entranced with the idea of figuring out who the fuck I'm supposed to be in this life because, well, that's something pretty important. In my obsessive search for my own identity, I've forgotten about my family.

I need to take a deep breath and realize that family comes first. I have time to discover myself still.

It took a lot, but I know what a shit I've been to my family. I want to change. Oh, how I want to change.

See, I come from a loving family. No matter how dysfunctional, we have each other's backs.

But with all of my tumblr and quotes and reading and writing and daydreaming of a great someday outside of this town, I've been putting my family on the back burner.

I don't know why, but it's so easy for me to seem so disinterested. I'm not though. It's not that I don't care about them. That's so far from the truth, but then, I don't know what it is about me.

Why am I so keen to squeeze as much time as I can fit with my friends? When I am home for so long with nothing to do, why do I immediately turn to my laptop? Why? Why? Why?

Then, my mom will come to me and at that I haven't been spending time with them.

That's when it hits, except I already knew. I always know that I'm not really spending enough time with them. It just always really slaps me in the face when my mom points it out to me.

Guilt takes over then. It nauseates me. It fills me up, and my thoughts begin a downward spiral.

It starts with, "Wow, I'm pretty shitty. I need to get out of my room and socialize with my family."

Then, it professes further down the shitty trail. I wonder why I do this time and time again. I ask why I don't change or learn from the past.

It gets to the inevitable, "Why does anyone like me?" thoughts.

I see my quotes then. The ones that tell me these inspiring messages and urge me to be positive and love myself.

Thing is, I preach positive body image and loving yourself. I preach it. I thought I had such a wonderful self view after years of perfecting it.

I guess loving yourself is a life long process, and right now I must be at a low point.

The quotes that I painstakingly wrote out and hung on my wall are much easier to read than to carry out.

I'd love to change, but how?

How the hell do I change something that should be so natural? It shouldn't even be a problem.

I love my family! So why do I constantly seek to escape them only to eat myself up she I realize what I've done?

Now it's been almost thirty minutes since I started writing this, and I'm no closer to figuring anything out.