Restless

A Full Explanation

I thought I'd explain fully.

Not only because you deserve to know, but because I want to talk about it.

The talk was bad enough. I thought it would be okay because it was just supposed to be about a belief.

A belief that I still hold in common with the religion that I don't believe in.

But I was wrong. It made my blood boil, and I was angry in a place that should've brought me peace. I should've agreed with what he said. But all I thought was no, no, no.

Then, after spiking my temper, we were meant to sit in adoration, left to the voices in our own heads for such a long time.

I didn't know what to think. I was zoning in and out. I stared at all of the places that that terribly fake wallpaper hung. Only terribly fake because you pointed it out to me. I was bored to put it simply, and I didn't care. I didn't care that I didn't feel anything because I knew that I wouldn't. I stayed open for something to pull at me, but nothing did.

But then, I realized that instead of dying in boredom, I could think.

Big mistake.

At first I thought over that talk. Those words that I disagreed with so much bounced in my head and riled me up. That's what I remember thinking about first.

Then, during one of those songs that yanks at your gut and makes you feel everything really intensely, I looked at the other people there. One girl a couple rows in front of us was singing while still kneeling (I had stopped kneeling a while ago). She was swaying as she knelt and looked happy and at peace. I realized that's what I should've been feeling and tried to feel that way.

But, I couldn't.

That's when I started to panic.

I noticed more and more people so at home in that church, and it terrified me. Churches used to bring me peace. Adoration once made me cry. Why didn't I feel it anymore?! I should've felt it!

But, I didn't, and I couldn't.

I thought back to that retreat, in the arena with three thousand people that I could not connect with. I felt the same helplessness but on a more intimate scale.

I started hyperventilating. I told myself very logical things. I told myself to calm my breathing, that I was overreacting. I told myself that it was okay that I didn't feel anything while these other people did.

I was able to calm down.

But, then I thought about why I truly didn't believe anymore.

I thought of tragedies in life. Death and destruction and pain and suffering are all parts of life. They will never go away. Yet, I'm supposed to believe that it's all part of some plan made by some person.

That's when my grandma invaded my mind. She's old and has been a believer since forever, probably her own childhood. But, it goes beyond simple faith. She loves that guy, and she trusts him with her worries. Maybe I lack faith, but I sure as he'll recognize it in her. She's one of those ladies who goes to church to light a candle for a family member on a hard day for him or her, to try and make a difference.

But guess what?

He's not being kind to her. He's slowly warping her mind. That's why I do not and cannot believe. Supposedly I can go through anything he gives me. But, when does it stop?

My grandfather on my dad's side has already had problems with his mind. Now my grandma on my other side has to too?

You know, when we showed up at their house, I was pretty indifferent as always. Something about there house makes me tired, and something about being there makes me want to be somewhere else. I know it's terrible because at the same time, I don't want them to be gone.

Anyway, she asked me how I was liking college.

I'm a junior in high school.

I chuckled and asked her if she meant high school, and she laughed with me and said, “Oh yes that's what I meant.”

It was funny at first. Then I remembered the time that my grandpa told me about the time that she got lost at Walmart. She went out the wrong exit and couldn't find my grandpa. He talked about it so much that she went back to her bedroom and cried.

She has a cell phone now.

Also, during our stay for the holiday, she lost an ornament. We never found it again; she put it somewhere. It was in the house, but it was lost.

Anger and sorrow battled inside of me.

I would get so angry that she could believe in something so much and this was what she got in return.

Then, I would be overwhelmed with the fact that it was actually happening and that I don't even know precisely what's happening.

I would almost cry then blink away the tears and glare at the cross.

I wanted to leave, but I didn't want to make a scene.

And in the end, neither anger nor sorrow won.

I shut them both out. As per usual. I distracted myself by ripping that damn paper around the edges until there was no more paper to rip.

You put your hand on my knee at some point during that time, and it meant more to me than you'll know. Then, you gave me your paper to rip, and I wanted to cry and hug you.

I settled for ripping the paper.

And when I finished that one, you gave me another one.

Thankfully, it ended before I needed another.

I felt hollow and strange talking in that lobby afterwards. It just felt weird. It felt unreal after the emotional battle that had waged inside of me.

In the end, I chose peace because I know that life has tragedies, such as what's happening to my grandma.

But that's life.

Tragedies won't go away. They are constant and a part of life. To try and fit it into some celestial being's ultimate plan only makes me angry and horribly upset. I feel happier when I think of life as life, and I'll just be as tough as I can be.

So, anyone who disagrees with my way of thinking can go talk to a brick wall because that would be more stimulating than talking to me about how much you don't think that I should think the way that I do.

I've opened myself up and asked for something, anything. I've gotten nothing.

But, I've found what makes me happy, so I'm sticking with it for now.

And they say that it's good to ask questions, so why did I feel like I made everyone uncomfortable when I asked questions and voiced my doubts?

It's not much, and it's a little complicated.

But that's the fullest explanation that I could come up with for you.