When Kian Starts Smoking Cancer Sticks, A Jian Story

Day Thirty And Eleven

"he refuses to commit to a relationship when he couldn't even commit to a healthy lifestyle."

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Kian was a ticking time bomb.

Every day was a countdown to when Kian would die, to put it frankly. Jc probably knew that they couldn't run forever, but he didn't suspect that Kian would most likely die when that day came. The day when they would lose their breath and stop running, and in that one small moment Kian would surely fall back into a state that couldn't be fixed.

But right now Kian was back to normal. At least, to everyone else he was. He was back to the hyper, destructive, high-pitched screaming Ki that everyone loved.

So why does he feel so bad?

He feels like everyday is a struggle, a show he has to put on for the world, and every night he does to bed terrified that he won't wake up. Every morning he switches the pillow cases on his pillows so that Jc couldn't suspect that he cried himself to sleep every night.

And every moment he longs for the sweet relief of those cancer sticks.

The feeling of the small cylinder between his lips, and the wonderfully deadly puff of smoke he breathed out. The smell of the cigarettes, strangely, still lingered on him, but he assured Jc that he hadn't fallen back into the habit that took so long to break out of. No matter how much he wanted to, he wouldn't make his Jc upset again.

His Jc.

He and Jc were.. Complicated, to say the least. Jc was relaxed, but straightforward. He was blunt with what he wanted, and he wanted a full relationship with commitment and loyalty and love. Kian could give him love, as much as he wanted, but he failed in the other areas.

Kian gave Jc everything.

He lived to please him, from getting him whatever he wanted to doing whatever he wanted. He knew that his days were limited, and that each day could be his last, so why upset the boy he loves so dearly, when he might not have the opportunity to make it up to him?

But he refused to commit to a relationship when he couldn't even commit to a healthy lifestyle.

He and Jc had argued over this before, sometimes going to bed mad at each other, and that tore Kian apart. He usually didn't sleep those nights. How could he? He was afraid to fall unconscious because he might never wake up again.

He would die with Jc mad at him. And he couldn't handle that.

And he also couldn't handle promising Jc that he would always be there for him, like any good boyfriend would, only to die the next day. He refuses to put Jc in such a position.

But what he didn't know is that labels didn't stop feelings, and Jc already loved Kian as much as he would if they were dating. So when this ticking time bomb blows up in their faces, Jc will be as hurt as he would be if Kian were his boyfriend. Because either way, he loves him to death. Literally.