A new life?

4. Robin's story

Robin

My life has been perfect when I met Marian during my time as an exchange student in New York City. She was the woman of my dreams. It was love at the first sight. I planned to go back to England at the end of the semester, but she convinced me to stay. When we both finished university we bought a little apartment in Manhattan.
I got a job as a professor for English literature at Columbia while Marian worked as a preschool teacher. I knew I wanted to spent the rest of my life with her and decided to propose to her on a beautiful winter night at our favorite spot in Central Park. The following summer we got married. Marian's parents came from Boston to join our big day and even my family came all the way from England to celebrate our wedding day with us. Two years later we had our son Roland. My parents and my younger brother John decided to move to New York so they'll could spent more time with their grandchild. I was happy to see them more often and not only for Christmas or birthdays. We couldn't be any happier.

Two years later Marian was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. We were told that she only had a ten percent chance of surviving. Marian and I never gave up hope that she belongs to these ten percent, but deep down we both knew one day she will die. We never talked about it fearing it would make it more real. Our son Roland was only two years old at that point. He didn't understand what happened to his mother. To be able to take care of my family I quit my job as a professor for English literature at Columbia. There were good and bad days for Marian. When she received chemotherapy she was too weak to do anything, but in the breaks between the treatments she was feeling better and was able to spent time with Roland and play with him. These were the happiest days for us. We could spent time together, almost like a normal family. Even though Marian was feeling better the countless tests proved otherwise. The treatment didn't work so the doctors tried different treatments and medications, but nothing helped her. Everything they tried gave us new hope that she would get better, but every time it was crushed when the results came back. Last year in summer we sat together with her doctors and decided not to try a new treatment since it would likely give us nothing but false hope over again and Marian didn't want to go through it all again. I couldn't disagree with her at that point, not when she is the one suffering. It was hard on me to see her like this, weak and in pain and I'd have done anything not to loose her. Since her diagnosis I was afraid of loosing her forever, but of course I'd never tell her that. She needs her strong and supportive husband and shouldn't see that I'm scared inside too.  Knowing about my fears wouldn't help her. So I accepted her decision and didn't question it. We were told that she would only have a few more months to live then. I wanted to make these last months as special as possible for us as a family. We went on our last vacation together around Roland's fifth birthday at the end of October. In the Hamptons we rented a small house at the beach for the week.

When she was feeling up to it, I took her on some little trips to the place we met and where I proposed to her. We've been to our favorite restaurant and some other places which are special to us. Her parents came down from Boston every few weeks and I could see it meant a lot to her. My parents would take Roland on her worst days so he didn't have to see his mother suffering. We were glad about the support of our families. These last month taught me to appreciate the little things in life like sitting on the couch and simply watch a movie together as a family. It made me so happy when I could simply see our son spending time with his mother when she simply read a story to him. It hurt me that he never got to play outside with her like other boys his age did. I noticed that Marian smiled and laughed more often in these few months than she had in the three years before. I was glad that I was able to make her happy during her remaining time with Roland and me. We spent nearly every second together.

On a cold morning in early March we were laying in our bed and I held her and Roland in my arms when the love of my life took her last breath. Deep down I knew this day would come and I feared it.

What did we do to deserve such a terrible fate?

I held my son tightly in my arms while we both cried for hours. He didn't deserve to loose his mother so soon, instead he is supposed to have a happy childhood. Marian's parents came as soon as I called to tell them the terrible news of their daughter's death.

The day of Marian's funeral was hard for us. We watched the coffin with her lifeless body inside being lowered into the ground. Yellow roses were her favorite flowers and so we all let one fall down on her coffin. I held Roland tightly in my arms the whole time while he cried into my shoulder. I hold a little speech about Marian and told the guests about how incredible she is. Silent tears fell down my cheeks afterwards. The ceremony was beautiful just like she wanted it.

She believed in a life after death where we'll meet again. It was more like saying goodbye to this world for her instead of an end. I wanted to believe her so badly, but for me it felt like the end. We talked a lot about it in her last days. It seemed to comfort her and help her accept her fate. She told me to find love again and not grieve forever. I can't even imagine loving somebody else not even in a few years.

Her parents stayed with us some more days. I believe they didn't want to be alone either and I didn't mind. We talked a lot about out memories of Marian and I liked to have them around. It was good for Roland to spent some more time with his grandparents.

She is in a better place now without having to feel the pain. A lot of people said that to me and I even said it to myself and Roland over and over again, but it couldn't comfort us. I know it's true, but it can't take the pain away we both still feel every day. Nothing can fill the hole she left in our hearts. I'm always there for Roland to just hold him whe he cries after being reminded of Marian or when he wakes up from a nightmare, which I notice he is having more often now. We both need this comfort more than anything.

It's been over six weeks since her death and I decide it's time for us to live a somewhat normal life again, well as normal as it can be after loosing my wife and Roland's mother. We can't hide and ignore the world around us forever. She wanted us to live on and that's exactly what I want to do. At first I need to find a job. Going back to Columbia is not an option. At least not now with all of my colleagues looking at me with pity and telling me how sorry they are for us. I couldn't stand it. I applied for several different jobs, but I often don't get a response. The few job interviews I've been to didn't go that well. Some days later I get a call from a man inviting me for a job interview the next day. I'm excited in a good ways, but I have to admit that I'm a little nervous too. The job sounds pretty interesting and I hope I'll get it. I even have some more job interviews that day.

Here is chapter four, the first one with Robin in it :)
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~Julia