Darkness In The Light

Chapter Seven ~ Contradictions

~Suho's Point of View~

I was taken aback by the sudden embrace. I didn't know why I thought it must have been KyungHee, but I did. I was going to burst out into tears of joy and my arms were ready to embrace her, but they froze at the realization that it was only (YourName). My smile died down and I only felt more pain in my heart from the fact that it wasn't KyungHee. Why did she suddenly give me a hug without a warning? It's not like she's my girlfriend or anyone close to be doing that. I was ready to push her to the ground but I thought again of how she was just innocently in love. I grabbed her shoulders and pushed her away from me. I didn't say a word or look into her eyes and walked away. I felt the urge to look back and it felt like I was walking against some force that made it so hard to walk away from her. I felt weakened that I couldn't take another step forward. I was struggling to differentiate her from KyungHee. I knew it wasn't KyungHee but my heart wanted to believe it was. I wanted to give up and let my heart lead me but it would be a mistake to take her for KyungHee. I pinched my arms to bring myself back to reality before I did something silly. My friends followed behind asking if I was okay. I nodded and told them not to worry. Just to change the topic, I asked them what kind of food they wanted for dinner.

We then sat down in a nearby restaurant. As we waited for our food, I took out my phone to scroll through the pictures with KyungHee in it. I looked back to the selfies she used to send me and the pictures I secretly took of us together to keep as a memory. They were supposed to be beautiful memories, but I missed them so much it hurts so much. I couldn't pretend like I didn't miss her anymore. I've been trying to forget her for two years but I'm back to where I started. I don't have the energy to deny my love for her anymore but neither do I have the energy to love her like I did. I don't want to love her for the way she treated me but I can't seem to put down my feelings for her. Why am I so attached to her? Why am I so weak when it comes to her? Why did she have to treat me like this? What have I done so wrong to her for her to break me like this?

KyungSoo and YiXing who sat next to me patted me on the back to comfort me. I felt so embarrassed that I couldn't get over and forget a girl even after two years. Although I know they will always be by my side no matter what the situation is, I felt so embarrassed for them to see this side of me again.

"Let's forget about girls right now and let's have some guy time?" Xiumin suggested.

They may be a tough group to handle and they often mess around and be even more embarrassing than I am now, they even often act as kids too but I love them with all my heart. They are always supportive and always there for me. We are a group who share one dream and one heart. I wouldn't know where I'd be since two years ago if it weren't for them.
After dinner, we decided to go for karaoke just to fool around and loosen up. It was nice to go after dinner because we planned to go to the gym right after. It wouldn't have been a good idea to just go straight to the gym after dinner so that's why we went to karaoke. We loved singing anyways. We all shared the same love for music. I did enjoy the time there but a lot of the love songs they sang brought me down. I didn't want to stop them from singing and having fun so I kept it to myself. After all, they couldn't see me with that dim lighting. Plus, singing itself reminded me of KyungHee because it was a dream she always supported. But still, my love and passion for music wouldn't allow me to hate singing just because of KyungHee. The thoughts of her drove me crazy but it was hard not to laugh when my friends were singing terribly just for the fun of it. After couple hours of rapping and singing, we headed for the gym. It was the only thing I had in mind to release my anger and stress. We warmed up and lifted some weights before getting into the dance room to do what we love: dance. KyungHee was often there to support me into becoming a singer but even dancing reminds me of her since dance was another dream of mine and she was always supportive of my dreams. I won't start hating dance either because of her though.  Dancing is something unique that exhausts my mind from thinking and it just releases all the stress I'm going through. On top of those reasons, it's something precious between the twelve of us. I will not let anything or anyone take away the thing we love and treasure.

~My Point of View~

Would my biggest mistake be loving him if all of what my love for him does is hurt him? I shouldn't be delusional about us being a thing and I should know the difference between being delusional and hopeful but sometimes I just need to be delusional to find hope and confidence in my situation. And only with hope and confidence could I be successful in healing his wound and giving him happiness. This would be the scenario I'd like but would not like: to have his wounds heal while he opens up and realizes that love can also be beautiful if he meets the right person, but that I won't be the one he falls in love with after opening up his heart again. I know his happiness should come first and I won't complain if that scenario is what will happen, but still, I can't say that I wouldn't hurt at all even if his happiness is mine.

...To Be Continued~~~

I apologize for the sudden stop in this story. It has been about a year now and I apologize for those who have been waiting for the continuation of this story. I hope you still can enjoy the story and give it your support! Thank you so much(: