Darkness In The Light

Chapter Seven ~ Contradictions

Chapter Seven ~ Contradictions

There was so much to love that I never realized and thought of, and I guess now I'm able to say that he's teaching me what love is. In so many ways I'm conflicted with these thoughts about my ability to succeed or fail in healing his wounds. When I'm alone, I have all the strength, bravery, and willingness but when I face his harsh words, I start backing down and losing all the confidence I once had. I know love can be as painful as being under a thousand pound rock and being unable to breathe, but I also know that it can be as beautiful as the milky way galaxy where there's infinite space to soar through the universe. I don't have all the confidence I need to continue to take on this risk but I don't have an option either if my heart won't give up on him. I'm just going to need to suck it up and take in every punch he throws at me.

I stayed to ponder around the mystery. I couldn't help but think back to the scenario of his ex-girlfriend breaking up with him. I couldn't imagine it being his fault yet I didn't understand why it turned out the way it did if she was someone who was always caring and loving. I started to think that maybe she had some pressure or that there was more to it. I wanted to find her and reunite her with Suho. Maybe that's what I could do for him. He could have a proper answer directly from her instead of pondering every now and then. Wouldn't he be happy again? But wouldn't I be in pain to see him with someone else? I guess I would but for his happiness, I would give up mine. Then I could forever see his smile from behind. But would he hate me for bringing her back into his life again? Would it be true that she really did change and left him over a purse? He would end up falling into depression at that rate and I would be the culprit of taking away his happiness.

By the time it was early in the afternoon, I was still at the carnival spaced off into the same thoughts over and over again. I was only brought back to my senses when a guard who worked at the carnival told me I was blocking him from opening the gates of the entrance. I was glad it was Christmas because I didn't end up interfering with their business since they weren't even open. I apologized still and walked off from the carnival, but I started to be absorbed into those same thoughts again. I couldn't help but to think of him. I wanted to be by his side every hour of the day and be the one to make him laugh instead of hurting him. The image of us together all alone telling jokes to each other and laughing together was the only thing I wanted at the moment. It was so unreal and I knew that it wasn't possible yet or at all but I started to miss him so much I ran straight to the places where I thought I could find him. He was nowhere to be found but I didn't give up. I then remembered the school Christmas party. It wasn't like a late night dance party so it was held during the day time. I was out of breathe but for some reason I believed that Suho was definitely at the party. It was a party but I didn't even think about how many people there might be. I just wanted to find him and hug him. I ran to the school and down the stairs to where the party was held at. There was a crazy amount of people but I didn't lose hope. My body moved me despite my tiredness because I had to see him. I didn't know why but it felt like some movie where if I don't make it in time, I won't ever see him again. Maybe it was because I wanted to spend time with him on Christmas... even if it just meant seeing him. I was held up by many of my friends at the party. They kept asking me how I could show up to the party wearing the same dress I wore the day before. It was the dress Suho gave me last year and it's cute but not if you were it again. I didn't really want to waste time explaining and I didn't even care but they held onto me dragging me to dance. I didn't have the time to be dancing... I didn't even have the time to go home and change. I was in a rush to see him. My legs just needed to keep moving until I was in front of him. I was dragged into dancing then taking pictures then eating while talking. While I was preoccupied, I tried looking around to see if Suho was at the party. He wasn't. I was sure if it. Now, I needed to find a way to leave the party. The party was already almost over by the time I had thought about leaving. I failed to leave any earlier and so the moment the party ended, I ran out the building. My legs were numb but they couldn't stop running. It was getting pretty dark but still I was running until I saw him. My feet didn't not slow down at all until I ran into his arms and held him close. At that moment, I felt so powerless and so useless over the fact that I didn't have the way that guarantees his happiness. All I had was my love for him and all I could offer him was a warm hug instead of a million words. It was truly an act of selfishness. I knew I was being delusional about us being a thing but I did actually want to protect him from further pain and all I knew at the moment was to give him my love.