"The greatest pleasure in life is doing something others said you couldn't" - Walter Bagehot
When I was young my mother had said to me not to let others tell you what to do in life. I didn't listen to her for years until just now. I have become a door mat for people to wipe their dirty shoes on and ignore me. I see strong people around me and only recently have I noticed this aspect to me where I don't speak about what is on my mind or acknowledge the trait given to me by cowards. Never has an argument ended unless I have fully apologized and came to a conclusion that it was my fault. I won't tell certain people certain things unless it is required of me, and if I was told to do something that seems reasonable or seems respectful (regardless if I agree or disagree) I would do it with little to no questioning. My family have limited me and have labeled me. If I stayed in my nanas house 1 year ago I wouldn't be allowed to leave the house without some one else unless I was meeting someone in the area or catching a bus. 3 years ago I couldn't explore my own village fully unless some one was with me. I wasn't allowed to play football or darts incase I dislocated in the middle of a game. These limitations remain to this day... Such as if someone/something is bugging me I refused to speak up about it and let it fester inside me because I feel no one would be interested in my petty complaints even though I know this isn't true. I've always felt the only person I could be honest to is Siwan. I have a lot to say but little time to say everything. I doubt everyone I know will ever know why I act the way I do or my full background. If I'm honest I like it that way sometimes even if I do go on about how things should never be held back and everyone should be honest about how they feel. Sometimes I want to tell a random person everything, knowing I will probably never see that person for the rest of my life. Other times I just want to curl into a ball and tell no one. When I tell people things I feel bad... Even in primary when I would tell a teacher I was in pain and needed a brake. Speeches aren't my thing, but writing is. I feel more confident in writing emotions than speaking. I don't know why but I have always preferred to write books about adventures and tragedies then talk to people... Even people I'm close to sometimes because I don't like concerning them with petty things... It's the small things that set me off and explaining that is a lot of effort. I prefer to listen than talk because with every word that is said I became ever more aware of others situations and boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. To learn is a gift many don't have the respect or rights to have. Also I enjoy making others feel like someone is listening to them. People say that when I say my point that I'm wrong or I can't say that because I don't understand. I have been told all my life that I can't do certain things or stare at people who are different or not to say a certain thing as it may offend or appear rude or incorrect or nasty or bitchy or cruel just because I'm saying the truth. I tire of the same conversations with some people, repeating promises and lying to me. They claim to care but they are cowards and can't stop lying to me, I don't know if they think I'm stupid or just think I'm blind to their deception. I have always been told to respect my elders.. But where is the line? I was told I was smart but lacked common sense. I've been told I'm too loud, too quiet and too awkward. I have been told to go make this, clean this, fix this and rarely been asked politely to do so. My opinions are wrong and my beliefs are false. I'm ridiculous, immature, loud, silly, stupid, ugly, quiet, shy, awkward, wrong, incorrect, skinny, scrawny, a runt, a cripple, different, special, weird, aggressive, nasty, disgusting, rude, awful, a bitch, a cow, a cunt, a liar, a hypocrite, flat, an asshole, boring, hyper, brave, a dickhead. I am none of these things, I am me. People have always tried changing who I am and I want to say to any one in the future who think they can change me, your sorely mistaken. I hope I never change into anyone else because I love who I am as a person. My body, my attitude towards life, my respect for others, my love for those I care about, my personality and my family. None of these will change and I am tired of people telling me what to do, who to talk to, how I should behave and who I make time for. Yes I have changed as a person since I was a child, but this is due to the negative and positive effect people have had on me and events that have occurred since my birth and even before then. I wish to cut negative people from my life and focus on who and what matters. The person I have developed to become is amazing and I don't want to change for the worse. I am sick of people telling me what to do in my life. Now I will grow into the person I want to be, instead of living in fear of what others think of me. I am going to be strong and brave like others I know.
P.s Hi
