Remember | The Mortal Instruments AU

Chapter Twelve: Cries Of Pain

I'd come here way earlier than I should of. I should of come when Clary would defiantly be at school, so she wouldn't see me but I'd been waiting for this meeting all week and I hadn't slept at all last night, I just wanted to talk to them and talk about Clary.

I also shouldn't of come to their house but I already knew I wouldn't go to the cafe when we'd made the deal. I needed to be at that house. I needed to be surrounded by all things Clary Fray. I needed to see that picture again. That beautiful, beautiful picture.

As I'm walking down the streets of Brooklyn I don't take in anything around me, I don't take in the sounds, smells or sights, I'm like a man on a mission as Clary would say.

As soon as I think of her it's like a wound being reopened and made deeper, wider because not only am I thinking of her, I'm thinking of her making jokes at me, smiling- by the Angel that smile. That smile could end wars. Those eyes could bring peace and that hair- well that hair could bring hell but that was Clary Fray, she could be your best friend or your worst enemy.

She had stopped an unstoppable war, she was a legend for all Shadowhunters, she was a hero. I mean she had massive paintings of her back in Idris, along side mosaics and stories.

She was the best thing since Jonathan Shadowhunter.

In those painting, mosaics and stories, I was along side her, holding her hand, bracing the darkness - and hell - together.

We were both legends and I wouldn't of minded- Angel, some part of me, some part that still remained from my old self, from the person I used to be, that part loved that every shadowhunter knew my name, that part jumped up and down and squealed like a little girl just thinking that I was a legend. But that part was small, nearly non existent.

I needed Clary. I needed her more than oxygen because what was the point in breathing if you didn't have someone to breathe with? What was the point in living if you didn't have someone to live it with? What was the point in being known by everyone if you're not known by your soulmate? The answer? There was no point.

I walk onto Clary's street and by the Angel if I'd been winded by the thought of her, this was something entirely different. This was so much worse. So much more painful.

The picture did her no justice, my memory did her no justice. It had only been a month and my memory had already begun to fade. What would of happened if I hadn't saw her in ten years? Twenty? Would I forget her face altogether?

The picture had made me cry, I'd cried in Jocelyn's arms for hours and even when I'd stopped it was only because I had to, I had no more tears left.

The picture had been beautiful, it had reminded me just how much I hadn't grieved, how much I could never grieve.

This. Well this was like being hit by a car, a thousand times over or being in a plane crash, or being shot over and over until the pain was indescribable. I was dead, yet again, I must be because this couldn't be real, this pain overtaking my entire body, it was like having all the oxygen removed from me and yet it was like breathing for the first time.

The first time in a very long time.

Because there she was, walking out of her house and into the blondes arms, smiling like she was on top of the world, smiling like she didn't have a care in the world, smiling like she was happy.

She's happy. She's truly happy.

Seeing her was like- the wound had gone- but it hadn't really because it was like I'd become the wound. My whole body was telling me, shouting at me, screaming at me to run to her, to take her in my arms and kiss every single part of her body, to cherish her, to worship her like the goddess she was.