Remember | The Mortal Instruments AU

Chapter Eleven: An Unwanted Life

When I finally emerged from my room - after Izzy had been knocking continuously on my bedroom door and Alec telling her to stop because "He'll come out when he can be bothered to grace us with his presence" for days - I'd felt like the air was being sucked out from me.

When my feet had touched the floor when I'd first decided to get out of my bed, every instinct in me had told me to crawl back into bed and never get out. But I knew that I couldn't go much longer without food so I'd made myself stand up on my feet.

I'd fallen back on bed almost immediately as my entire body was fatigued and couldn't hold me up after so much time in bed. I'd used my entire body strength to make sure I stood up and when I had, I'd wished I hadn't bothered.

The world was spinning fast, way too fast and I couldn't bare to look at anything except the floor. I'd made myself walk to the door. When I was directly in front of the door, the door handle had been my biggest fear yet. When I touched it, when I moved it, I'd be going back into the world, I'd be opening my heart up again to the world but it'd be a world without Clary.

As soon as I thought her name, everything came back. All the pain. All the tears. All the aching. I'd pushed her in the deepest, darkest part of my mind when I'd been lying in bed. That's why I was there as long as I was. I was trying to make sure I felt no pain but whenever her name or her face or her hair came to mind, the pain would pull me back and she was all I could think about.

Trying again, I get all the memories of her and push it to a part of my brain I refuse to think about. I opened the door and walk out- only before stopping my foot midair, before it could pass out the room, because once I did this, that was it. I'd be back, I'd have to continue with life. I could do it. For Alec and Izzy, I could do it.

I stepped out of my room and quickly realise the entire institute was deadly silent so I go to the kitchen to find Izzy cooking and Alec frowning at the food, neither of them were talking.

"Glad to see somethings never change," my voice was rusty from not using it, it sounded dry and it held no emotion.

Their heads whipped towards the sound of my voice and they halted. Their eyes became wide and Izzy's mouth hung open a bit. She quickly recovered and walked over to be, embracing me into her arms tightly as though she was scared if she let go, I'd walk back upstairs and never return.

She backed up and let her arms drop but quickly raised her right hand and slapped me across the face. Hard. Then she hugged me again, making sure I was really here. When she let go, I'd never seen her so sad. Or angry.

"We're all in pain Jace! We all miss her-"

"-even me," Alec muttered but Izzy just ignored him.

"You don't just get to go into your room and not tell us whether you're dead or alive!" Izzy shouted at me.

"Well if I was dead, I wouldn't be able to tell you," maybe not the best thing to say seeing as her hand was clenched.

"Oh for goodness sake! Stop with the sarcastic comments!" Then her emotions went from anger to empathy. "I was really worried about you Jace," her eyes began to gain tears.

"No Izzy, don't cry," I was too tired to wipe away her tears but I did try to put emotion into my voice.

At that moment, she remembered that she was cooking and went back to her food.

Alec was looking at me from the table and a thousand words were exchanged between us. He understood why I stayed in my room. He understood why I looked like death incarnate. He understood me.