Making You See

Chapter One - Eager To Leave

"I've done something. Something terrible," she whispered in a blind panic.

Tears were rapidly bubbling in her innocent, blue eyes. She was scared, that much was obvious by the way her hands were shaking so uncontrollably. The confidence everyone saw on a daily basis was no where to be seen. She sat forward, uncomfortably on the very edge of the old arm chair, on alert, as if she was getting ready to run away at any second.

He watched her push her hands against each other, trying to force the frustration and panic out of her fragile body through causing herself pain. The exact way she had seen people do it millions and millions of times before. It seemed to help most people, but for her, the anger and frustration just built up more and more, until it was too much for her to deal with.

She desperately wanted to tell someone. Something was stopping her, holding her back and refusing to let the words of her realisation escape her mouth. She was scared. Scared of everything; herself, the person whom she was talking to and the whole world surrounding her, including each and everything it contained.

He grabbed her thin wrists, noticing the pain she was causing herself and wanting to stop it. Her wrists felt like they would snap any second, they were so thin and weak, just like the rest of her. She seemed to be starving herself, depriving her body of what it needed for the prevention of fainting or worse. It was possibly from the head weight of guilt she had been carrying on her delicate shoulders for so long.

She needed to stop with the nervous action before she damaged herself even more. Reluctantly, she let him pull her arms away from each other, giving in, allowing him to win. He was crouched awkwardly on the floor, next to the cushioned arm chair, balancing carefully so that he didn't fall over.

The panic and fear began to build up more inside of her. His grip on her wrists, trying to prevent her from being able to hurt herself, aggravated her as each second passed. She needed to be able to force the emotions she was feeling out of her. She used all her force to pull her arms back into her body. The strength of the shrink overpowered her own and she gave in, feeling weak. She allowed him to keep her hands from injuring herself. She was aware that he'd let go soon and she could go back to her nervous habits.

"What have you done?" The shrink asked, breaking the silence, intrigued by her panic.

"I.." She trailed off staring at his concerned face.

He fidgeted, trying to get comfortable, still crouched on the floor. Her gaze didn't move. She didn't even blink. It was as if she wasn't even looking at him, she was looking through him, like he didn't exist or wasn't really there. Her eyes were glazed over like marbles. Snippets of memories, things she did and things she didn't remember before, flashed through her mind all at once, blurring into one another.

He took a deep breath, "Lucy?"

She jumped, snapping back to reality, away from her painfully scarring memories, "What?" She seemed oblivious to what she was saying before.

"You said you'd done something terrible..." He tried to jog her memories. Gently, he let go of her wrists, feeling she was calm enough to control her own actions once again. He didn't move from the floor by her chair, just in case she started hurting herself again. Her safety was in his hands, literally, since he was her councillor. He was meant to improve things, not make her more stressed. This session seemed to be doing the opposite.

He watched her skinny body rock back and forth, a nervous habit, along with what she did with her hands a few minutes before, he had seen all too often, but never knew how to stop it. Her breathing deepened, giving the impression to him that she was angry. She was more than angry. Not at the shrink, at herself. She had showed weakness. She started to let him into her life, he knew her fears and secrets when he shouldn't have. She let down her biggest defenses for too long, when she most needed them. She was showing far too many emotions and it angered her. Showing emotion is showing weakness. Weakness is vulnerability, something that should never be shown. Under no circumstances. She lived her life never forgetting this for ten years, since she was eight, now was certainly no time to stop.