V I G I L A N C E ~ (MCU) ~

C H A P T E R 2 1_

I breathe out one small hint of a laugh...

After a long moment of thinking I ask quietly and out of curiosity, "Why do Barton's kids call you 'Aunty Nat'?"

She hesitates but then answers, "It's not because we're related but... I don't know I've known them since they were newborns. I used to visit Laura and the kids when Clint and I came back from missions... I was the only one in S.H.I.E.L.D who knew about them. They just... got attached..." she holds back something I can tell. She sounds more like a machine giving a necessary reply than the human inside her.

So I turn around and sit down on a barrier, eyeing her. "Natasha the world is coming to an end... Can we be honest with each other... truly?"

She gives me a serious look and thinks about that before sitting by me. "I don't know what answer you are expecting..."

"You've been talking to them... looking at them since they got here. You're gentle with them and they seem to love you so much... There's something else in there..."

She smiles a tad in thought as she looks at the ground. "They're sweet... and kind and innocent... everything I am not." There is longing in her voice. I used to think she was all hardcore... but something here tells me where her soft spot really is. "I remember holding the boy for the first time... So small and fragile... So pure... It was like holding a tiny angel in my arms..." she is looking out in a lost way as she speaks. "...Then I imagined what it would be like to have my own and..." she stops herself and looks down. "To watch it grow... say my name for the first time... cradle it close when they got scared..." She seems to have almost forgotten who she is talking to and is merely speaking from her heart alone... this is something she's thought about so much in her life and something tells me that...

"You can't have them... can you?" I almost whisper.

She takes a deep breath. "No... It's part of... well where I was trained they... make sure you are... incapable of pregnancy forever... It makes it easier to kill... to live a life only as the assassin they made me... nothing more." She seems so hurt by this fact... a deep wish within her that she could change it or do her life over. It's heartbreaking to think of someone who wants children so badly and cannot have them... won't be able to look at their tiny face and watch the baby's eyes open to see her for the first time... or hold their hand when they learn to walk.

I never really thought about having kids until I was engaged... not even then that much. I told myself I would have them if I did but... never dwelled on it... I suppose I do want them now that I think about it... very much...

But I feel so bad now and a lump has formed in my throat and her eyes almost glaze over. This is not something about her that she shares. In fact something tells me the only other person she has told this to was Barton. I just don't know what words I could say that would be enough. "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it... not by a long shot.

My hand reaches down to wrap with hers and I lean my head on her shoulder in comfort. The heaviness I feel is nothing compared to the weight of her sadness. I don't have to use telepathy to know this...

Something catches my attention.

A sound.

I lift my head and look toward the horizon for a long moment before I see something in the clouds... a light. I frown and stand up, squint a little as I walk forward to see it better...