poems

i'm gay

hello. due to recent tragedies and it being one year since same sex marriage was legalized in america, i wanted to share my story. so here you go.

my name's mary, i'm 14, a sophmore in high school, an aspiring artist, and a lesbian. what you're about to read is how i discovered that i wasn't into guys. enjoy.
so, i finally came out to myself in the 7th grade. i was into guys. i would have crushes on boys but boys were just concept. they weren't anything but a pretty object to look out and if they try to do anything but talk about video games with me, i'd turn them down. i was often called 'L' by one of my friends, jakob, because he thought i was gay, and of course i defended myself because i wasn't gay, at least i didn't think so. my friends would freak out about guys and how cute they were and i would join in because at the time i was like 'yeah, they're okay', i also didn't want to be left out. but as elementary school was started to come to an end, so in about 4th-6th grade, i steered away from the boys. i would catch myself staring at the girl cashier at forever 21 instead of the boy one that my friends were drooling over. i found girls so beautiful and interesting. they were these perfect beings who were more or less perfect to 10 year old me. i thought every girl was beautiful and i passed it off as me being kind and thinking everyone was gorgeous. i thought like that for 3 years. then middle school hit. middle school was a shit show. in 7th grade i was  bullied for my everything by a boy at the name of george flood. that name to this  day makes me sick to my stomach and having to see him sit next to me in pre-ap english while he was higher than a fucking kite made me anxiety sky high. but, that's when i developed my depression, my anxiety got worse, and i though about killing myself. it was the bullying and the thought of 'am i gay?' that was in the back of my mind that drove myself to try but then i backed out because i had so much more i needed to do. once the bullying stopped and i was okay for a bit, i started to question my sexuality. i would look at the guys in the hallway and would think that they weren't attractive and that i didn't want a boyfriend. but when i looked at a pretty girl, my hands would shake and i would stutter. i told myself it was my anxiety, but it only happened with girls. if i needed help in a store and i went to a guy employee, i was as calm as can be. but if it was a girl, i would freak out. i ignored the thought of girls until i got into the band paramore. as most people know, paramore has a female lead singer at the name of hayley williams. she made me feel things i never felt before. even though she was just a band member, i would fantasize about her and i would have dreams of us dating and being in a relationship. i ignored it all. 'i'm straight' i thought. i never thought about guys like that, not even band members. i would look at harry from one direction and i would think he's attractive and i would love be his friend but i would like at perrie from little mix and i thought polar opposite thoughts. so fast forward a year of questioning my straightness and here we are at high school. high school changed every thing for my sexuality. high school to all my friends was 'oh my gosh there's mature guys here who will like me and they're so much more attractive than middle school boys' but to me it was like 'woo, girls'.  and i still haven't come out to myself yet. so one night i was  texting to my best friend, julia, and she came out to me as biromantic and my dumbass said 'you'll enjoy being out bc girls are so beautiful and precious' then i said 'oh shit did i just come out GOTTA BLAST' and the convo accidentally switched from julia to me, which was unintentional (sorry jj i love u). so i accidentally came out to my best friend. and so i was like 'shiT i came out to her i gotta figure out who i am, who i like, and what i identify as.' so i told everyone i was bisexual. because i was scared. i was scared of what people would think of me. so i identified as that for a while. then i met jen. jen is my ex-girlfriend who i've talked about before. jen was my first ever gay relationship. that's how i discovered i was gay. dating her made me realize that girls are way better than guys (and are way more attractive too). so thank you jen, for helping me figure that out. oh and the only reason we broke up was because her dad found out and made her break up with me. only her mom knew and none of my family knew. they still don't know that i'm gay. and they won't until i make a decent income, have my own place to live and are okay. so when i'm about 18-20 years old. only because my dad thinks you shouldn't identify as anything until you're out of high school. and they claim to accepted the gay community but make jokes and are ashamed of gay family members. so i ain't coming out for a while. i hope you enjoyed reading my story and i hope you have a good rest of pride month. see you later.