CHAPTER 8 - "Shih-tzu in the Mist"

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By Grace Helbig

Dear Robot Diary,

(We all return from once we started...or some tumblr quote like that.) Daylight breaks through the filthy, filthy windows of our school's auditorium, casting light on the misty haze floating around me. I feel like I'm in an 80s music video. I also feel like I'm alone. Because I am. I'm alone. Wait, where did everyone go? And how did I get you back? Before I get too deep into my own inner monologue a familiar sound breaks my train of thought.


It's the sound of a singular, small fart. But where's it coming from? Me? Is it me? Wait, oh, god is it Crush? Please don't let it be Crush.


There it goes again. I look across the room to see a small shih tzu through the mist, sitting and staring at me. We make direct eye contact and...


It gets up and starts to walk towards the door, almost beckoning me to follow its trail of toots. And I do. Because WHY NOT, DIARY?! At this point, WHY. THE HELL. NOT?

It leads me to the hallway doors and I push them open to discover a busy Greatway High School hallway, full of students rushing through the hallways wearing cap and gowns, with teachers yelling where they should be. Under all of the hallway's excited chatter is a sweet, melodic tune. Like the end of an adventurous, feel-good 80s film. What year is it? What day is it? What happened to everyone? I spin around looking for my furry farting friend and it's nowhere to be found.

"Ohhh, are we doing impressions of Venus? Finally, an outlet for my talents," I spin around to see Jim, in full duck costume, spinning wildly.

"Jim? What happened? Is everyone okay? Where's Crush? Is Lester alive?" I stammer.

"Relax Lace, your stress is causing you to miss my amazing impression of the planet Venus," he complains. Jim spins faster and faster until he smacks into a trio of timid freshman carrying a comically large cake that says "Congratulations Class of '21". As the massive cake flies into the air, everything freezes. Except the music, which continues as text appears floating in front of my face.

Jim became the greatest mascot in Greatway's history. Mostly because no one ever reclaimed the duck suit. When the news of his assistance in the destruction of Freak Week surfaced, he was granted a full release from his former camp. He was also granted a full wing. The 'Jim Heavensmall Duck Wing.' Jim says he has a promising new relationship with someone named 'TylerBirchly5Ever.

The hallway snaps back to life and the cake smashes to the ground. The freshmen pause, then scramble to clean it up.

"Here, let me help you," Banana offers. I look to see Banana, wearing a graduation gown like a monk's robe with leaves and twigs stuck in her cap. "As humans we must always seek to help each other, in a directly positive way, regardless of age, gender, religion, sexuality or species," she preaches.

As Banana begins to help the confused and fearful freshmen, the world freezes again and text appears next to her.

Banana had a spiritual epiphany during the final minutes of Freak Week when she decided to run into the woods to save herself. She immediately tripped over a twig and thought she'd be left for dead until an 'asexual' squirrel lifted the twig off of her. After she graduated from Greatway, she traveled across the country and began a web series devoted to her spiritual journey driven by social media. She called it 'Tweet, Gay, Love.'

The world started up again and Banana began smearing cake icing onto her face like warpaint, regaling the freshman with a story about a genderfluid, asexual squirrel that could be their spirit guide too.

"Woof, there she is, I thought it smelled like sauerkraut over here," a voice taunted.

I turned and saw Marmie walking towards me, hand-in-hand with Harry. Both wearing their caps and gowns. "Her eyesight is so bad, which makes her sense of smell so awesome," Harry whispered to Marmie.

"I'm legally blind!" Marmie cheered.

Again, the world froze and, again the text appeared.

After graduating, Marmie and Harry went on to tour a two-person ventriloquist show called 'Get Out of Harmie's Way' in which Harry sat on Marmie's lap like a ventriloquist dummy for an hour of bits.

The hallway snapped back and Marmie grabbed me by the hand. "C'mon, we're already late!" she shouted.

I realized I, too, was wearing a cap and gown. She pulled me back into the auditorium only this time all of the bleachers were filled with students in Greatway colors, clapping and cheering. In the middle of the room was a podium. Behind that podium was Crush, also wearing his cap and gown. "In honor of my brother Lester, who gave his life to give us this moment, granted yes he was very evil and almost took all of our lives but regardless, he would have wanted to congratulate the class of 2021. We did it. (Insert dumb, long-winded inspiring Tumblr quote.)," he elated. And with that he threw his cap in the air and the rest of us followed suit. Just as I let go of my cap the world froze.

Crush and I went on to healthily support each other's passions in life while passionately make out-ing frequently.

And just like that, the world snapped back and I caught Crush's gaze as he raced from the podium towards me. I jumped into his arms and just as we were about to start our frequent passionate make outs, the world froze again. Mr. Kevin's voice started, "Well, well, well, I'm sure you're ALL wondering what became of Mr. Kevin. Good ol Kevin Kevin. America's sweetheart..."

Before Mr. Kevin could continue, the world started up again and Crush kissed me with passion as the class of 2021 continued to celebrate. The uplifting, melodic music began to intensify as the joyous scene of happy freaks faded to black.

Getting my Freak On (metaphorically, not, like, sexually with Crush),


PS - I think it's about time we set the record straight about who this random third person is that's been narrating parts of Lace's Diary. It's me, Mrs. Kevin. lol.

The End!


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