{ #1 } I Was Shooting For The Moon, I Hit Two Stars (MxMxM || 18+)

Chapter 55 - Hopeless & Homeless

I was scared he might wake up. Mostly, I was afraid I might flinch in front of his cuteness. So I took a deep breath and went straight for the door. I hovered by the entrance for a few seconds, taking a last mental picture of the place where I had been so happy, but I knew I had to hurry. Mark would be back any minute. I gathered all my strength and walked out.

As soon as I had quietly shut the door, with my backpack on my back and my duffle bag on my shoulder, regret immediately washed over me. I wanted to get back in, but I had obviously left my set of keys on the console, so there was no way to back off. I couldn't ring the bell to ask Shannon to let me back in. I couldn't wait for Mark's return. What excuses would I have given for being locked out with a bag full of clothes?

So, I hurriedly walked to the next station and took a train that rode me to the borders of Chicago. There, I withdrew as much cash as the dispenser would allow me to – I knew I wouldn't be able to use my credit card again to avoid being located – and then I did something that Mark would certainly kill me for. I hitch-hiked. I had already done that in the past and I wasn't scared, but I couldn't help whispering an apology to my Mast... ex-Master for breaching an important rule.

However, I couldn't waste money on a train or Greyhound ticket to Southern Illinois. One thousand dollars sounded like a lot, but I knew they would thin out in no time. So, I went for the cheap solution, even if it meant disobeying Mark's guide to safety. It took time and a few changes, but I made it safely to my hometown by the late afternoon.

I'm not sure what I was expecting there. Perhaps I thought I would feel better being closer to my parents, but nothing like that happened. I hadn't been there in three years and in the end, it was no surprise to feel like a stranger. Not that the town changed that much in so little time, but there was no homey feeling.

The weather was nice, so I briefly considered spending my first night in a park. I was confident I'd find a job shortly and with my left hand still aching a bit from the burn, I decided I could allow myself the comfort of a hotel room for a few nights. As long as I was able to save enough cash for a potential rent, it would be fine. Anyway, that night was the worst of all. Not only did my parents haunt my dreams, but Mark and Shan also butted in, chasing me in anger and hate.

When I woke up on Sunday morning, I was drenched in sweat, my head was about to explode with a migraine, and worst of all, I felt lost without Mark's safe arms and Shan's warmth. There was no one to comfort me like in the past few nights and realizing that my parents' accident occurred on that day three years ago only brought my spirits further down.

I needed them so badly. I needed to feel their love. I needed to get closer to them.

It was barely 6 am, but I got up and dressed, then walked for three hours to the cemetery. I couldn't remember where their grave was, so it took me another hour wandering among the alleys until I found it. I was shocked to see how poorly kept it was after only three years, but having no family and only very few friends, I guess they scarcely receive visitors.

I spent two hours kneeling on the grass, crying while whispering words to them, telling them how much I missed their presence. And how I wished I had been with them three years ago. How lonely I felt after their death. How lonely I felt now, after ruining everything I had in Chicago. How I would love to join them... knowing I'd probably never find the guts to end my life. Sadly, I didn't feel anything special, like a presence, but I still spent most of the day with them, cleaning up their tomb and just sitting there.

I don't know what I was expecting. Perhaps some sort of supernatural event... an ethereal sign. Nothing happened and by the end of the day, I wasn't feeling any better. I was even worse in fact. I was upset, tired and so sad. I was craving for my men. After another three-hour walk back to the motel, I didn't even bother to eat and went straight to sleep. The only upside was that I eventually had my first peaceful night, free of any nightmares. As were the following nights.