Hold On To Me // [Z.M.]

Chapter 3 | Clash

03 

I STAYED IN the flat. I don't know why I didn't leave. I probably should have, it may have been better that way. Easier. Zayn and I haven't talked to each other for the past four days, despite us living in the same place. We avoided each other like the plague.

So many emotions have been flooding me since I told him. Anger, frustration, disbelief, disappointment. I never thought he was like that. To spend four years with a guy, and never know that he could think, never mind say, something so awful, was baffling. When I needed him most, he not only wasn't there but told me he didn't want anything to do with me. I didn't think Zayn was like that. I couldn't help but think this was partly my fault for not seeing this part of him sooner, and for staying with him so long.

But it wasn't my fault. I wasn't the one who disregarded the fact that his girlfriend was pregnant with his child. I wasn't the one that wanted to abort my own child. He was. He said and did those things. In no was this my fault.

Yet, I was still here. I had stayed. It was hard to, I was so upset with him. But I had to hold on to the chance that he would change his mind, for the sake of our unborn baby. I didn't want my baby to grow up not knowing their father. I knew what that was like. My father left when I was two, and I never heard from him after that. My mum swears that he was a good guy, and that one day he just up and left. I never believed her, until four days ago. I didn't think that anyone could change in an instant. I think thats the main reason I'm so upset with Zayn. He knows my father walked out on my family. He knows this, yet he had the nerve to do something so similar. He wasn't quite at that level of prick yet, but he was on his way.

I don't want my son or daughter to go through what I went through growing up. I want him or her to have their father in their life. But as the days went by, I realized that this might be unlikely.

Zayn had been drinking. A lot. He hasn't left the house for four days except to buy more booze. He's never been one to drink his sorrows away. It was always just for fun. It worried me a little. I just kept asking myself how we'd drifted so far away in the past four days.

I hadn't told anyone what happened. I hadn't even told anyone I was pregnant. Zayn was the first, and obviously that was a mistake. I was embarrassed. I didn't want to be upset over him, but I was. I didn't want my family and friends to know what an awful guy Zayn was. I didn't want them to think anything badly about me because I chose someone so disgusting to love. I didn't want them to know I was pregnant with his child. What did that say about us?

As I threw up over and over into the toilet, I was reminded that I was really pregnant. I thought about my future, and my child's. What kind of life did I want for my baby? I don't know what would be worse: to never know your father, or know him and know that he was an arsehole. Rhino laid on the tile floor in the corner of the bathroom, sleeping with one eye open to make sure I was alright. As I rested my head on the toilet lid, I stared at his gray body. When Rhino's eyes popped open and he got to his feet, I turned to the door to see Zayn standing in the same clothes he'd been wearing for the past two days. By the way he swayed while he stood, I could tell he'd been drinking again.

"How long have you been there?" He asked, his speech slurred. He yawned, lifting his hand that also held a beer bottle to cover his mouth.

"For the past three hours." I snapped, not looking at him.

"It's four in the morning, go back to bed."

"I would if I cou-" Before I could finish my sentence, my face was over the bowl again and I was throwing up nothing. There was nothing left in my stomach to come up. I flushed the toilet when I finished and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.

"Shît, that looked like hell." He slurred, walking into the bathroom and filling up a glass with water. He handed it to me, but I pushed it away.

"Actually, I'd prefer if you left, Zayn." I told him. He put the glass on the edge of the counter and ran his fingers through his messy hair.

"Why? I want to help you." I turned, a look of disgust on my face. He stood, swaying, maybe forgetting everything that had happened between us. 

"I don't want your help- Could you please just leave?" I snapped, pointing to the door.

"Jesus, why are you being such a bitch?" he scoffed. I stood, my hands balling into fists at my sides. He rolled his eyes with his arms crossed over his chest, stumbling as he turned to leave.

"You know what Zayn, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you. I don't want to deal with you anymore!" I yelled, the bitterness in my voice making him turn again.

"Good to know, and you're still a bitch!" His fake cheery voice sent even more anger surging through my body. Right now, everything about him- the way he stood, the smirk on his face, and the look in his eyes made me want to strangle him. All my pent up anger from the past few days was resurfacing.

"What is wrong with you? How could you be so stupid? You are going to have a child in a few months, and this is how you're acting. You're an immature knob, and I don't know why I've spent so many years loving you."

"I don't know either." He spat.

"I can't believe you!" I screamed, throwing what ever I could get my hand on in his general direction. He dodged the water bottle and tissue box I threw at him, but the clicker hit him between the legs.

"Crazy bitch!" He yelled, doubled over in pain, and you scoffed.

"You know what Zayn? I don't know why the fuck I've even spent the last week here, living with someone so disgusting. You know what? I'm not staying here- I'm going somewhere else. I don't know where, but I can't stay within 100 kilometers of you or I might blow up. I'm leaving in the morning. And I'm taking Rhino. Don't try and stop me, drunk bastard." I mumbled the last part as I walked past him to begin packing my bag. Rhino followed me, standing right behind me as I pulled my largest suitcase from my closet.

I threw open all the drawers, taking handfuls of clothing and tossing it into the case. Every move I made was full of anger. I took chunks of clothes hanging up in the closet and threw those in the case also. I didn't bother with taking the hangers off. I wasn't even sure what I was packing, I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

"This is a mistake, Clara. You're going to regret this." Zayn said, standing in the doorway. He took another swig of beer, and it took all my might not to punch his face in.

"Yeah, you think so?" I flung open more drawers, tossing random clothing into the case.

"Watch, I'll be at the top of the world without you, and you'll be at the bottom. Just watch."

"If anyone is going to regret this, it's going to be you. Letting me go is the biggest mistake of your life."

"Don't flatter yourself."

"Please, Zayn. By loosing me you're loosing your child. And if you don't care about that, then you don't deserve a life with us in it." I zipped my case up, and went to the bathroom to pack my toiletries. I could hear Zayn mumbling from the bedroom, and a drawer open. He stormed into the bathroom, glaring.

"This was a waste of money, wasn't it. Can't believe I wanted to marry such a slag." He said, throwing a ring box against the wall. I knew what it was, and that he had just gotten it from the left side of his sock drawer. I stared at the red velvet box on the tile floor, speechless.

Angrily, I picked it up and opened it. I took the ring out and held it in my hand. "How could you?" I asked. "How could you be such a dick head!"

"Me?!"

"Take your fucking ring! Take it and shove it up your ass!" I threw the box, hitting him the the head. I took the ring and shoved it down the sink drain, and ran the water until I couldn't see the diamond shining anymore. "Get out before I shove my foot up your ass, too."

I pushed Zayn by his chest until he was out the door, and slammed it in his face. "Before I start crying," I whispered, and sunk down against the door, the tears falling heavily down my cheeks.