Sixteen Letters [COMPLETED]

Chapter 4- The Fourth Letter

A/N: I had planned for this to be uploaded after Ch. 5 was done, but writer's block has gotten to me & school is hectic and I decided I've been too cruel making you guys wait. (But you may still hate me after this chapter) Just...have faith in me & enjoy! :)

Chapter 4: The Fourth Letter

Lisbon liked going to church. It was one of the few places where she felt calm and safe. It helped her rationalize and clear her head whenever she faced a difficult problem. She felt like she could put her faith in God and he would guide her. She walked through the covered archway to get into the New York church. Once she was inside, she walked to the front, knelt and made the cross sign on her chest, and took a seat in the first pew.  The church was unoccupied except for one nun.
Lisbon closed her eyes and behind to pray. “Dear God, tell me what I should do. Should I keep running from this or just face my fears? I’m so afraid of doing something wrong. And what should I do about Ryan? I think I like him but…I’m still in love with Jane…I need your guidance. Please also keep Lucy safe and healthy. Amen. ”
The nun tapped her on the shoulder after she finished her prayer and Lisbon’s eyes flew open.
“Sorry for interrupting but you sounded like you needed to talk.” The nun said kindly.
“No, I…it’s ok.” Lisbon said quickly, knowing the nun wouldn’t approve of her and Jane’s previous affair.
“If you’re sure.” The nun said, leaving Lisbon alone.
Lisbon breathed a sigh of relief, she felt like everyone around her knew what she had done and secretly hated her for it. She knew it was stupid to think that way, but she couldn’t help it.
She missed Lucy and she missed Jane, but her secret kept her from going back. She’d kept a lot of secrets from Jane over the years, including the fact that she was pregnant. She still remembered the fight they’d had when she told him and how angry he’d been...

It was the middle of the day and Lisbon’s team was at the CBI, relishing the rare downtime they had. Jane was lying on his couch, studying the stain shaped like Elvis on the ceiling. He noticed Lisbon get up to get a cup of coffee and she avoided his gaze when he looked at her. She knew he knew she was acting different and she tried to busy herself with getting a cup of decaf. She heard Jane’s footsteps behind her, and she didn’t turn around. She didn’t want to see the hurt in his eyes after he figured out what she was withholding from him.
“I knew something was wrong as soon as I saw you this morning. You’re reserved, you won’t make the slightest amount of eye contact with me, and you’re drinking decaf coffee. If I had to venture a guess, I’d say you were pregnant…and it’s mine.” He said in a low voice.
“I’m not.” She mumbled her back still to him but she knew he would see right through her, he always did.
Jane continued. “I‘d also guess you’ve known for a few weeks now. Look me in the eye and tell me I’m lying. Tell me that’s not the truth.”
She finally turned around, looking down. “You’re right. It is yours and I’ve known about two weeks now.”
“Look at me, Teresa. Look at me right now. Why didn’t you tell me?” he said sternly.
She raised her head, glaring at him. “Because I didn’t know if I was going to tell you! I didn’t even ask for this, Jane!”
Jane’s voice hardened. “You don’t get to make that decision alone. It’s my child too. I have a right to be its father.”
Lisbon’s voice hardened too. “I’m not even sure that I’m ready for this. I don’t know how to be a mom and I’m scared that I’m gonna screw something up!”
Jane studied her, his blue eyes cold. “We were supposed to do this together, Teresa, and we’re going to. This baby is as much my child as it is yours. There’s something else you’re hiding, some kind of fear in your past and you’re running from it instead of letting me help you with it.”
Lisbon didn’t break her eye contact, trying not to break down. “We can’t, Jane. Once you see why, you won’t wanna raise this kid with me. I can’t do it.”
“You don’t know that. You just have to trust me.” Jane said.
Lisbon scoffed. “Trust you? After you lied to me and went behind my back all these years? Right.”
“I had a right to know. If this was some childish attempt to get back at me out of spite, it was poorly thought out.” He said sharply, trying to pretend as though her comment hadn’t cut through him like a knife.
“You know what? I don’t wanna talk about this right now!” Lisbon said angrily.
“Fine, keep running, Teresa. These days it seems that’s all you ever do.” Jane said coldly, his words hanging in the frigid air they’d created between them. Soon, he turned on his heel and walked away.
She felt tears prick at the corner of her eyes and she turned away, feeling them burn behind her eyelids as she pretended to be busy with something. Who was he to judge? After all the lies and crap he put her through over the years? She held the tears in longer still, she’d be damned if she’d let him see her cry.