Finding the Beauty Underneath

XIII

Since the relationship between me and Erik had started, my thoughts and actions had always revolved around him.

Who was Monsieur Opera Ghost? What could I do to make Erik happy? How could I show Erik that he was not the frightful demon he thought he was? How could I prevent Erik from getting angry? How long should I let Erik calm down when he gets angry? How could I escape my father's clutches to be with Erik? How would Erik ever rescue me? What could I do to ease Erik's emotional and physical pain?

I then realized that I never once thought of myself in regards to our relationship. I never really examined the part Erik would play in this equation.

Would he provide what I needed physically and emotionally? Would he allow me out of underground home? Would he protect me? Would he stop terrorizing the Opera Populaire if I ever asked him to? Would he respect me? Would he give as much love to me as I gave to him? Or would our relationship always be one-sided?

I sighed heavily. Why had these thoughts never crossed my mind before? I should have asked myself these questions the first night I had stayed in Erik's home. I should have been smarter about my decisions with him.

With all these thoughts distractedly swimming around in my head, I almost did not notice the old woman wake up and be reunited with an old man. They were most likely married by the way had acted upon seeing each other again. They walked out of the waiting room and left the hospital together and I was then left alone.

I continued to evaluate my relationship with Erik. It was true that he had done many great things for me such as allowing me into his home and caring for me, but I couldn't help but think that we were just incompatible. We always seemed to argue over the simplest of things. Why could we never seem to avoid an argument? Our tiniest disagreements always grew into such big arguments. I couldn't live like that with Erik.

I then remembered the ring that Erik had given me before the carriage arrived. I took the ring off of my thumb and examined it. I wondered why Erik had given it to me. Did he not believe he would live through this? Did he give it to me becausehe thought he'd die? I supposed I'd never understand what Erik had been thinking when he was slowly bleeding to death on the ground. I turned the ring over between my fingers. The ring looked slightly worn. It appeared that Erik has had the piece of jewelry for a while. I slipped the ring onto my largest finger, but it did not fit. I took it off and put it on my thumb again. It was still slightly too big.

I thought more about Erik. He got angry easily by my actions. Would it always be that way between us? Would he learn to be more tolerant, or would I just have to carefully choose what I did and said from now on? I also knew that Erik had a dark past, but I wasn't comfortable with him hurting and killing other people. I was shocked when he told me he murdered someone. I knew he hurt people all the time at the Opera Populaire with all the minor "accidents" he caused, but I never knew he had killed before. I realized that I couldn't expect him to completely change his ways and stop harming others. I doubted one woman could change the Opera Ghost so drastically.

I closed my eyes tightly as more and more thoughts came into my mind. What had I gotten myself into? Erik and I had a complex relationship. I kissed Erik to show him that he was beautiful, but he took it in a romantic way. Well, I couldn't exactly blame him for that considering how I had flirted with him and eventually got intimate with him. When he had rescued me from my father's grasp, I told him that I loved him. He said he loved me too.

It wasn't a lie. I did love Erik. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I loved Erik more as a really good friend. Not as a lover. Erik was deeply emotionally scarred and I couldn't solve his grand emotional problems. To do that, I would need to always be there for him and put his emotional needs before my own.