She returned a different person, with a new mindset and a new outlook to match it. The girl that once cared too much, no longer cared at all.
At almost 18 Sasha finally crosses the line with the police and is faced with two options. One, being to sp...
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ch 9. gaydar
My neck cramped up and I shuffled around readjusting my position on the wooden chair that I was supposed to sleep on tonight.
I growled under my breath, this was fucking impossible. Every time I would almost fall asleep, some ligament in my body would cramp up or I would get a splinter. Eventually, I gave up deciding that tonight I would pull an all-nighter.
I looked over towards newbie, he was now sitting on a nice comfy chair on the other side of the room. He was texting away on his phone but every once and while his eyes would flutter closed and he would fall into a light sleep for a few seconds. That is, before he would jump up and look around to check if anyone one saw it. Of course, I did every single time but decided not to comment and let him think he got away with it.
I walked up to the cell bars and rested my arms on them, a hunger was growing inside of me. I didn't even get to eat my fucking butter chicken. Newbie looked up at me, clearly noticing the movements behind bars, his eyes widened slightly. He must have thought I was asleep the whole time. He really was a dumb ass like I said earlier.
We just both stared at each other, both waiting for the other to speak. But I wasn't in the mood, I was hungry, tired and I'm pretty sure I lost the only person I cared about today. It hurt - a lot, I had tried to ignore it but I couldn't.
I turned around stopping the staring contest that we were having, I sunk down the metal bars my back pressed against them until I was sitting on the floor.
"Kid you ok? What's up?" I could hear newbie approach the cell from behind but I didn't look back at him. I needed to be alone.
"Sasha" He leaned down on the other side of the cell and copied the sitting position I was in. Now both of our backs were pressed against the cell and we weren't looking at each other.
"How about I tell you something about me and you tell me something about you? It would get your mind off whatever is bothering you." I turned to look at him, he was still facing the other way, so all I could see was the back of his head. Why would he care? He was just a cop. But I agreed anyway, I needed to forget, he was right.
"Ok so, I will go first," He said loudly to himself, because I hadn't asked him anything yet, "Well to start off, you probably want to know if I'm single." He started and I smirked lightly.
"You want some of this," I wriggled my eyebrows suggestively. He cringed.
"I'd say you just turned me gay, but I would be lying since I already knew, but you did just solidify that women don't do it for me."
Fucking gaydar. Damn things been broken since I tried to screw Danny Russo last month, when his boyfriend dumped punch on my head I think it fired my Gaydars wires.
When I didn't respond he continued.
"Yeah that's not exactly people's first instinct when they see me or talk to me, now is it?" He asked me and chuckled lightly to try and ease the tension.
"Yeah, I had no clue." I admitted. Again, fucking Gaydar.
He shuffled on the other side of the bars changing his position, so that he sat with his legs crossed on the other side, facing towards me now.
A goofy smile spread across his face.
In that moment I came to the conclusion that he was extremely odd for a police officer.
He almost felt like, well I don't know. A possible friend, maybe? I couldn't tell if that was what he was, I hadn't had one in so long it felt weird to classify someone as a friend.
It felt like I didn't deserve it. Actually, I know that I don't deserve friends, all I would do is bring them pain, just like the pain I brought upon my mother.
"Kid you ok?" Newbies' voice rung my ears and I turned to look at him, I mean look at him. The kind of way you look at someone when you're trying to see the deepest parts of their soul. I searched his eyes, they portrayed a caring emotion it was strange to see anyone other then my mother look at me like that. He shouldn't care about me, I'm not worth the despair that I bring upon others... If anything he should hate me.
"Why do you care?" My voice came out dry and tired, too much, too many thoughts. Too many emotions. I couldn't take it, it overwhelmed me. I didn't need this I wish I could just stop, stop caring I mean.
I need to stop caring. To stop hoping for a bright future that I will never have a future I don't deserve. To stop wishing that someone would teach me how to love again, teach me how to love someone enough to throw myself in front of a bus in order to protect them.
That kind of love. The love that starts a dark fire when torn away from you. I did have that love once, from my relatives and friends. But when the fire starts inside, it doesn't stop. Once the fire has burnt the best parts of yourself it leaves ashes. Ashes of who you were. You see, the fire had burnt and left ashes all through me.
It didn't stop, though, I've been waiting for the pain to just stop one day. For the fire to just burn out.
But it didn't, that's why I craved and hoped for someone to love me to care for me. I wanted someone to take the fire away and to clean up the ashes. But no one ever would care enough to try. That's why I had to try and learn to live with it.
