Existing in Radiance

Chapter Eight | Hogwarts, October 31 1991

Severus desperately wanted to slap the old man for uttering her name so carelessly, but restrained himself. “I am…not sure that I agree, Headmaster.”

“Just remember that a person is not necessarily the same being as their parents – you should know.” With that, Dumbledore handed him a small package “Here, and early Christmas gift. Enjoy them.”

Scowling, Severus left the staff room and returned to the dungeons; his compartments were simple, not lavish like some of the other teacher’s rooms. The furnishing was plain, the bookshelves stuffed and the fire was always lit; the bed was tucked into a smaller room just off the space Severus used to read and brew potions for things other than academic purposes.

Upon entering his chambers however, Severus found that everything was not as he left it; a small table had been placed in the centre of the room, a large circular basin sitting atop it. Studying it, Severus realized it was a pensive. Curious, he opened the small package Dumbledore had given him – his suspicions had been correct.

Within a small brass box lay a few vials, all filled with a thread of silver memory.

Spilling the threads into the pensive, Severus held his breathe as they swirled, changing into a light purple – Hazel’s favourite colour. Dipping his face in, he felt himself fall and kept his eyes closed shut tightly; what awaited him here in Dumbledore’s memories?

The world stilled, and Severus opened his eyes cautiously; the space around him was a small bedroom, sunlight falling through the gauzy curtains. Turning away from the window, Severus felt his breathe catch; sitting in the big bed was Hazel, his beautiful Hazel with her golden curls and dark eyes.

Looking around, Severus realized Dumbledore wasn’t in the room; how could that be, he didn’t know. Crossing the room, Severus stood beside the bed and watched as Hazel rocked two tiny bundles in her arms, one swaddled in blue, the other in white.

“Oh Hazel…” he whispered, reaching out to touch her, but his fingers falling through “Oh my love, I’m so sorry.”

Of course Hazel couldn’t hear him, but Severus spoke anyway as he watched her hum to the children they had made together, and in that instant he felt as if the few strings holding him together snapped. The memory must have been over eleven years old my now, but it was still something to have – to cherish.

To see Hazel again, hear her murmur to their children and laugh quietly as they yawned or grabbed hold of her fingers. Severus wanted so badly to hold one of them, the little girl with dark eyes and hair, so awake and vibrantly aware – or the little boy who lay drowsily beside her, reaching blindly for a finger to grab hold of.

“You look like your daddy.” Hazel whispered, smoothing back Sonia’s hair, which was already curly. “Both of you…I wish he could see you now.” He hadn’t realized it until now, but tears were streaming down Severus’ cheeks as he knelt by the bedside, reaching for his family but fingers passing through their ghosts. It had been nearly twelve years since he had seen Hazel in person, and suddenly all he wanted was to hold her – not make love, if that was what they’d been doing before she’d disappeared – just hold her.

Severus loved her, he knew that; but how could he ever love someone so fierce when he was so weak, understand her when he was so simple and she so complex – she was a storm and he dry weather. One couldn’t catch a hurricane with a butterfly net, and Severus would never have Hazel to hold, or his children.

“Hazel…” he cried, hands hovering just over her own “I’m so sorry, so sorry that I hurt you so badly…you don’t deserve me, I don’t deserve you – for different reason, but we are puzzle pieces that just don’t fit.” Andrew cooed and Severus felt another stab of guilt; he would never know his son, understand what made him tick and memorize the rise and fall of his features.

“Take me to her,” he babbled to no one “Please, I just want to see her…”

He had laid his head on his arm, and upon raising it Severus found himself back in his chambers. The room was cold, the fire having gone out and he longed to return to the warm room containing the family he had never known. It was then that he noticed the note that had come with the vials, and Severus grabbed it; upon thick parchment was an elegant scrawl he hadn’t seen in ten years.

Hello, Sev. It said simply, and Severus sank to the floor, chest heaving with sobs.

“Oh Hazel,” he whispered, tracing the grooves of the writing “I’m so sorry. I would take it all back if I could, really I would…” But her couldn’t, and Severus knew this – so he exiled himself to live alone, not knowing even the sound of his own children’s laughter.

A/N: So how many feels do you have left? 

Question: (this is a different sort of question, hope you don't mind) if you ever bumped into me in the street, somehow knowing what I looked like (if you've watched my vids than you do) - what would you do? I know what I'D do. I'd probably fan girl over kind of fans.

Aaaand could I ask you all a favor? I go to an art school, and one of my friends is in a band called Suffix Lane - their new single is on the side. It's called LSD TV and is so amazing, it's incredible honestly. We're all in highschool, and it's pretty darn impressive for people our age. If you could check it out, maube like (and if you REALLY like it, buy it on iTunes on Oct. 2 or 3) they would really appreciate it! Tell your friends if you like it, because honestly it's so fantastic; if you like most of the music I put on the side you'll like this too.

Have a nice night guys!

Rose<3