Wonderment

Half Soul

To my darling, 

The world I had lived didn't seem to fit in the narrative I beheld before me now. Everything is upturned when off land. No longer did I live by the rules of King and Country. I was freed from social propriety and exhausting sensibilities. Yet this freedom seemed to burn in a very different manner. 

To free the body seems almost its right. To free the mind sounds entirely good. The entire undemocratic autocratic world knows it to be dangerous. Censorship and imprisonment were meant for control, to restrain human expression. Defiance seems revolutionary, it causes irreversible changes without a sense of responsibility. Without rules I expected chaos to ensue. In fact it seems rather quiet, not silent but with a low hum. The potential for something exhilarating to happen can be felt in the air itself.  Like the shaking of a steam engine it vibrates my heart as if to shake it awake.

 At three and twenty most of my friends had bairns of their own. Bloody hell! I was a sworn bachelor but the Lord knows my mind sins. The jinns that host within my body. My dandelions are wild and untamed. They seem to grow wherever they please in defiance against the laws of property and ownership. I desired to seek another universe, one far in the deep sea with stormy gales that deafened. I'm not entirely sure what my intentions are. If questioned I'd look a gormless fool. Wide eyed I'd stare, either in madness or endless hope. I suppose both are much the same thing. 

I'm losing my way again. I'm not definite I know myself. My mind is trapped in a state of liminality, drifiting between empty dreams and an emptier reality. I feel as if my soul has given up. A good Christian fellow, Christian sense of self righteousness. My religiosity seems to have been sold to the breeze. Sometimes stormy and unpleasant but other times a gentle wave reminding you of its presence but barely disturbing. I question whether I have feelings, why Im not moving. Where is the real me? I'm paralysed, like the boys back from the war, my limbs are lost.

I am glad you write back, warning that I bargain for more than I gain. Good sir. I'd say I respect your sound advice but if Im being entirely honest I have nothing to lose. Perhaps taking this risker path is not my bestest of ideas, but I cannot live with the alternate. I by my words shape the consciousness.

Ive been dallying with The Symposium. I do not mean to guffaw at the ancients but to merely entertain the idea that man was born with four arms, four legs and two heads is achingly entertaining. Though I do quite share the sentiment that we are all endlessly hoping for, desiring and pursuing the whole. I am currently possessed with the phantom limb, aching in places that dont exist. This absence of my other half is the metaphorical manifestation of my loneliness, as if a limb was missing they say. I think I'd still be wounded even if I did find the two halves of my original nature. To meld them together again would be a painful task for the blacksmith indeed. Besides I am quite afraid that my other limbs and head have quite developed their own nature and character independent of I. The fear of rejection would completely destroy any hope that'd ever existed of completion. To live with no hope certainly means to wither and die. Just a wee bit miffed that there seems to be no easy middle ground. 

Do not fret darling, pray for my guidance like you do best. I may not follow the right path but I could do with some paving stones to build my own direction. 

H.