Yes indeed YES INDEED! A Naruto fanfic has been chosen for our first critique. Naruto was the first anime we watched so it only seemed appropriate. We'll be scouring Wattpad for gut-wrenching Mary Sues to add to this book of atrocities. So prepare y...
Her grandfather is the Hokage?!? The Hokage let his grandchild get captured by Orochimaru and all he has to say to her is "you've finally come"? IN WHAT UNIVERSE WOULD THE HOKAGE JUST LET HIS KID GET STOLEN BY OROCHIMARU AND THEN SAY "Oh well. She'll come back eventually. Time to spy on some children with my crystal fucking ball." NO. That is so out of character it makes me want to cry. ALSO, how the hell did a ten year old girl escape Orochimaru. He's a threat to Konoha for a reason. That would never happen. Be realistic. AND CONTROL YOUR COMMAS FOR GODSAKES.
"Ah yes... Don't worry about that Akane. I, and every ninja in this village will protect you and the village from him."
Because you did such a good job in the first place. You showed so much concern.
Knock. Knock. The door opened without any permission granted from the Hokage.
"I have a mission report... Oh sorry, am I interrupting something?" Said someone with an obvious smell of cigarettes. To Akane, this voice was very familiar.
She slowly turned around, and came face to face with yet another member of her family.
"Who's this?" The man asked.
"Don't you remember, Asuma?" The Hokage asked with a bit of amusement in his tone.
Asuma slowly walked up to the girl and examined her carefully.
"Ah!! Akane!" He exclaimed and picked the girl up holding her high above his head, as if he were handling a toddler.
WOW MY NIECE SUDDENLY APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE AND I'M NOT SURPRISED AT ALL. MAGICAL.
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My brain hurts. Milo my brain hurts.
I know Tanuki, I know. Mine does too. We suffer through this together.
BUT THERE'S MORE. OH, SO MUCH MORE.
She basically goes to live with Asuma and Kurenai and everything is so damn happy and blah blah blah. There are multiple mechanics usage errors in the paragraphs she wrote, not to mention the demon priestess thing finally shows up.
'Did you have fun today?' A voice from inside her asked.
That voice is Mirai. She is, or was, a priestess when she was alive. Now, she is a wandering soul who resides inside of Akane. Because of her, Akane was able to gain a Kekkei Tota her clan is known for, yet very few can actually acquire it. Mirai can also give Akane some special powers, such as healing, and an increased amount of chakra for a certain amount of time.
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WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL MAN. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL.
This character *inhales deeply* is quite literally more powerful than anyone else in Naruto. Not only does she have a Kekkei Tota, which is more advanced than a Kekkei Genkai and nearly impossible to use, but she also can heal and increase her chakra. THIS TEN YEAR OLD HAS SOMEHOW MANAGED TO MASTER AN UNKNOWN KEKKEI TOTA AND HEALING ENOUGH TO USE IT. EVERYONE ELSE GO THE FUCK HOME BECAUSE AKANE IS ALL WE NEED. LET'S MAKE HER HOKAGE WHILE WE STILL CAN.
What is with people and making their original character's have godly powers?!? WHY are you undermining all of the other characters in Naruto. I know you want to make your OC all cool and great but this level of power just makes her laughable. Also, healing is not an inherent power that ninjas can use. The medical ninjas in Naruto learned how to heal from senior medical ninjas such as Tsunade. It took years to master decent healing, and since you made no indication of how Mirai taught Akane these skills, your character has no business having this ability.
There is a horrendous misuse of commas in this paragraph, but we're used to that by now right?
She is also the reason why Akane was resented by her entire clan, because she turned Akane into a monster. Though, Akane never resented Mirai for it.
'Yep' Akane replies, though she does it in her head.
'Get some rest now, you haven't rested at all since this morning.' Mirai demanded in a motherly tone.
This Mirai is seriously nice to Akane considering she mysteriously turned her into a monster. How could such a sweet, motherly figure do that? There has been no explanation as to how Akane got these powers and one is definitely in order. Also, "-,you haven't rested at all since morning."? Really? That's a normal day. You get up, go to work, come home, and then sleep. Nap time is for five year olds.
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Postmortem Diagnosis: Do. Your. Research. Nearly all of the characters in this story are out of character and to the extreme. There's nothing more frustrating to a Naruto fan than expecting to read exciting new fiction with their favorite characters in it only to realize that they're completely screwed up. COMMAS. YOU ARE NOT USING THEM CORRECTLY. There are plenty of articles online that will assist you with this. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TONE DOWN AKANE'S POWER LEVEL. IT'S RIDICULOUS. She looks to be an adorable character and I'm quite fond of the idea that Asuma and Kurenai would take care of her.
It has been a long day. No more hunting for me. I'm exhausted. Throwin' in the towel as the hip kids say.
Until next time,
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