December

Chapter 20

"You didn't go back?" I asked. He snorted.

"Like hell I was going to do that," he said. "Everyone over there is probably either pissed at me for cancelling or gossiping like mad over why I did it. I don't want to be there for that."

"Understandable. But you will have to face it some time," I said.

"Maybe I'll wait six years like you did," he remarked. I frowned, feeling the sting of his words. 

To be honest, I wasn't quite sure whether or not Carter was still mad at me for leaving him all those years ago. He had said that he wasn't, that he was willing to forgive and forget, but I wasn't completely sure that he was able to. At least not completely. The fact of the matter was, I had hurt him all those years ago and it would be a while before things went back to the way they were before, if they ever did go back.

I fell silent after his little quip. I resorted to staring out the window at the gray New York City skies and the blurred cars and buildings as we drove on. I didn't care what anyone said. I loved the city. I loved it because it let you disappear in the crowd. No one knew you and you didn't know anyone. It was a chance to start over, everyday, for everyone. For people with a past like mine, I needed that. I needed a place where questions weren't asked and where my past didn't always haunt me. I needed a place where I could become so immersed and busy in the life, that I didn't need to think about the problems that I had. Even though the comfort of a small town was nice, everyone always knew everyone and everything about them. And for me, I just wanted to forget. 

I felt Carter grab my hand from where it rested on my knee and entwine his fingers with mine. I looked up at him, surprised at his gesture.

"I'm sorry," he said, glancing at me.

"For what?" I asked.

"For saying what I did just now," he replied. I looked down at my lap.

"I deserved it," I said, my voice soft. He shook his head.

"No, you didn't. I shouldn't have said it. I was being stupid and inconsiderate," he said. 

"No you weren't. You were saying the truth," I replied. 

"Arya, please. I don't want this to be difficult," he said. "Not anymore than it already is."

"Make what difficult? What exactly do you mean by that?" I asked.

"I'm not walking away. Not again. This time, I'm here to stay," he said. 

"And what if I don't want you to?" I asked. He looked me in the eyes seriously. 

"Then I'll spend the rest of my life trying to convince you," he replied. 

I felt my eyes well up with tears and I broke our gaze. I looked out the window and tried to calm my storming and confused emotions. But I didn't pull my hand away from his and he squeezed it tight, as if to confirm what he had said.

He was here to stay. And what was more, he wasn't willing to give up this time.

Wasn't this exactly what I had wanted? Why was I feeling so hesitant? It might have been because I felt as if I had hurt Carter so irrevocably that I felt like I didn't deserve a second chance. Or that although he was able to let go of the past, I wasn't. It was, after all, why I moved to the city. But what if the biggest part of my past was here to stay with me? Then what was the point?

I turned to look at Carter, whose eyes were now fixed on the slippery roat ahead. I glanced down at our hands interlocked over the gear shift handle. It was then that I decided that I needed to stop thinking so much. I needed to just push my thoughts away, just this once, so that I could fully feel what I was truly feeling. I had always been a thinking type. It was time to do some feeling now.