Promise? • phan

Dan

Unedited so there may be mistakes.
Trigger warning I think. Not a horrible one though
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Right when the words left my mouth I regretted ever approaching. I saw the terror in his eyes, he was scared of me.

I don't doubt it though. I ruined his life. I beat him till he couldn't breathe for what ? Because I was scared of liking him? I knew he wasn't something to be scared of. He is beautiful, yet I made him feel like a piece of trash on the sidewalk. I called him horrid names, I told him to kill himself.

To take his own life. I know that if he ever did I would end up doing the same, because without Philip Lester, the sun doesn't shine.
He sees what he fears. He doesn't see the days in class that I would just stare in awe at his beauty and perfection. At lunch how I would daydream of being with him.

But seems like my 'best friend' had the same thoughts that I did. I know I can't be made at pj because I didn't tell him I liked Phil. But every word in this world has for a consequence.

"P-Phil I need to talk to you. Sorry for threatening you just now, but please don't speak about this to anyone; especially pj." I pleaded to him, looking at him with soft eyes. He nodded and signaled for me to continue.

But how can I put this? 'Oh Phil I bullied you and called you a ugly faggot because you are actually a beautiful perfect boy that I fell in love with.' Yeah like he would believe me.

I sit down on the near bench? Signaling for him to sit down next to me; which he did. We sat in silence, thinking on how to put this to him correctly, but I know I just need to be honest.

I look up at him to see him staring back at me, Curiosity written all over his face. It's time.

"Phil I know that what I've done is bad-" he scoffs. I roll my eyes but continue, "-I know it was bad, well horrible. I beat you until you were black and blue, I called you names, told you to kill yourself, and I just know it must've hurt. I didn't mean it. I hope you know that. I know I seemed serious but I wasn't. I hope you never attempted to kill yourself because Phil, I would do the same. A world without you is one I don't want to see. And I won't give up until I make you feel better. I know it seems hard to believe, and I know you are with pj and you have been for months but I need to tell you this. Phil Lester, I'm in love with you."

Before I could finish, he got up and ran. He ran so fast I didn't have time to react. And that action made my heart completely shatter. Was he still scared? Probably. I did years of damage I should've known that one talk wouldn't work. Plus he is with pj.

Oh shit.

I just told him I loved him while he is with pj. I could've ruined their relationship. But I'll get my karma, I always do. I sighed, standing up and started my walk home. But my mind wandered elsewhere. My thoughts took over.

Why was he at the cemetery at this time of night? Does he hate me? Will he tell pj? Will I lose my best friend? But most of all I thought about school.

People are expecting me come back and continue my ways, I don't want to though. Yet I don't want to seem like a pussy.

What about home? I haven't even been home since I got out. They dropped me off at home and I went straight to Phil, well, I followed him until he stopped walking. But will Tilly be home? Will my mom? Will everything go back to normal?

-

"-no! Absolutely not! I can't have a delinquent like you living in this home!" My mom screamed at me.

I woke up this morning after climbing into my bedroom window late last night. My sister was the first to greet me when I opened my bedroom door. And to my surprise my mom was home.

She doesn't want me living there anymore. She thinks I'm a bad influence on Tilly. So here we are, I'm being screamed at to leave while Tilly is watching with tears streaming down her face; her not wanting me to leave again.

"Mom stop this! I have changed! Why do you think they let me out earlier? And since when have you stepped up to be a mom? When they threatened to take my sister away? You are a piece of shit mother who cares about nothing but her own fucking needs! You never cared about us! You couldn't even remember our birthdays! Me and Tilly are better off without you here!" I yelled back, fed up with my mom. But after I saw her expression I instantly felt guilty.

"Leave."

"Mom I'm sorry-"

"Leave Daniel! You are not the boy I raised!"

"Fine."

I slammed the door back, painfully ignoring tillys screams for me to turn around and come home. But now, it's just me,myself and I.

Was I scared about how my life will be now? Definitely. But this is how it must be. I'm going to find a source of income, my own apartment to live in, a transportation to and from school, and I will try to be supportive of Phil and pj no matter how much my heart hurts.

But I deserve it. I deserve the pain I'm feeling. I deserve to die if I'm being honest.

But honestly, when I walked into the school gates, I saw something that I wasn't expecting, at all.

But did I like it? Yes.

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Okay guys serious talk here. I am on hiatus until May 10th. So please calm down with spamming me for updates? Not all of you are, but I'm just saying. I do appreciate you all and you guys have helped me through so much it's unreal and I love all of you. I'm just going through a difficult time and I promise, promise, to have a update for all my current books on the 10th so here's a update to hold you off until then :) I love you guys so much. xx

QOTD: Starbucks drink of choice?

AOTD: caramel frap or strawberry creme.