Jemma Blackstairs

One

A/N: Ok so hi it's the author of this book, I don't know how y'all even like this, there is honestly a little bit of sexual assult and y'all are just "Omg jemma" I wrote this when I was 14 and I was huge on really weird shit aka this book was made. Anyway, this chapter has NOTHING to do with any of the other chapters, I guess to captivate but it has done a poor job. IF you really wanna read a good fanfic, this chapter will ruin everything you thought this book was about. Unless you wanna read my cringe of a chapter that is setting everything up and be traumatized that a 14 wrote this two years ago, go for it. Otherwise, please skip.

Emma:

I enjoyed staring at Julian when he wasn't looking. Sometimes when I went to go stare at him, he was already staring at me.

Everything has always been awkward around us since I pushed him away for his own safety, and mine.

I couldn't lie, I always thought about him. I wanted him and craved him holding me. I had dreams about him a lot, more than usual, and when I woke up screaming his name, wanting him so badly then I thought I ever could, Mark bursted into my room and cradled me saying it was a nightmare.

It was everything but one.

Julian stopped talking to me when I kissed Mark passionately on the lips the day after I pushed him away.

He would talk to me when he needed to but never alone, I knew I hurt him so much every time he saw me with Mark.

It's been a month since I pushed him away. I couldn't ever love him again, but I still do, I seriously doubt he loves me anymore, I broke his heart, tore it out of his chest and stomped on it until Julian gave up on me.

I was still so much in love with him, more than when we were together. Sometimes, I wished that it wasn't illegal to love your parabatai. But at least I knew why we weren't allow to fall in love, as much I wanted to love him, I couldn't.

Jem Carstairs, my ancestor who lived 130 years longer than he should of, told me. I can still remember his exact words.

*Flashback*

"But you're not a Shadowhunter anymore," I said. "The vow doesn't hold." When he said nothing, I pressed on: "You owe me, you know. For not being around."

The corner of his mouth flicked up into a smile. "You drive a hard bargain, Emma Carstairs." He drew in a breath. I could hear Tessa's voice, faint on the wind. She was saying Jace's name. "The ritual of parabatai was created so that two Shadowhunters could be stronger together than they were apart. It had always been one of our most powerful weapons. Not everyone has a parabatai, but the fact that they exist is part of what makes Nephilim what they are.
Without them, we would be infinitely weaker, in ways it is forbidden for me to even explain.
Ideally, the ceremony increases each parabatai's power-runes given to each other are stronger-and the closer the personal bond, the greater the power."

I thought of healing runes I'd drawn on Julian after the arrow poisoning. The way they'd glowed. The Endurance rune he's given me. How it behaved like no Endurance rune I'd ever known.

"It was not long after the ritual has been in use for some generations," Jem said, lowering his voice, "that is was discovered that if the bond was too close, if it tipped into romantic love- then it would begin to warp and change the kind of power that was generated by the spell. One-sided love, a crush even, all that seems to pass by the rule-but real, requited, romantic love? It had a terrible cost."