Where I Found You

Chapter 45 - Jack.

"I know." She closes her eyes, turning her face away. It breaks my heart to see her like this, so I lie down beside her and close my eyes too so I don't have to look. "I love you, Jack."

The morning is here before I know it. I don't know when I fell asleep, or when Alyssa fell asleep, but here we both are, our limbs tangled as we both lie here in my small bed, Alyssa's breathing soft and gentle. I slowly place my hands over her stomach - again I get a spark of electricity shooting through me like before. There's no prominent bump, but soon there will be and it sends rushes and rushes of mad excitement through me.

The house is so silent, so silent that it's not normal. Maybe they are all being silent for Alyssa or maybe it is just early, but either way I can't get back to sleep. So I slowly sit up and kiss Alyssa's forehead before strolling out onto the landing and into the bathroom.

I don't know what I'm doing here. I stare at my reflection in the mirror, looking at my features. I try to imagine what the child will look like - half me, half Alyssa maybe? Or maybe eighty percent Alyssa, twenty percent me? Perhaps the other way round. A lot of kids look a lot more like one parent than the other. Some kids look nothing like either of their parents.

What's mine gonna be like?

I sigh and run a hand over my face. Me in the mirror does the same. Under the light of the bathroom my skin looks more golden than its usual brown tan. I wonder if mine and Alyssa's baby is going to have black hair like me, or blond like Alyssa. Maybe it'll be brown. Maybe they'll have Alyssa's eyes and my nose, or my face shape and Alyssa's mouth. I'm staring at myself in a way unlike I've ever looked at myself before, and eventually I have to turn away and walk back into my room, then crawl back under the warm duvet of my bed next to Alyssa.

Her feet touch my leg, her hand touches my chest, her hair touches my neck. I place my hand on my stomach, trying to not wake her up. Waiting for her to wake up. I wish I could take a picture of her asleep, looking so so so beautiful like this.

I must've fallen asleep again. Because I feel very tired next, and Alyssa is staring up at the ceiling. I am aware of her hand over mine, which is over her tummy. And her body curled into mine, her head on my pillow. I blink a few times in the brighter sunlight, as the smell of toast and coffee drifts in from under the doorway.

"You okay?" She whispers, as we turn to face eachother. I kiss her face - every bit of it.

"Of course." I smile and kiss down her neck next. She shivers. "Are you feeling any better?"

"Less tired. Just . . . Sad." Her eyes bore into mine with such intensity and emotion that I have to just hold her close and close my eyes.

I sigh and kiss her forehead. Gently rub her stomach. "It's because of me, isn't it? They just don't like me?"

"Yes." She pauses. "It's you."

I feel hurt settle through me, at her not denying it or trying to make it any better, any gentler. I wouldn't give a damn if it was just her parents that hated me but right now, in that moment it feels like Alyssa does too.

I swallow."I'm sorry-"

"It's the whole thing, Jack." She pulls away from me and sits up, frowning slightly. "I feel rubbish."

"I know." I stay on my back as I look up at her, and I can't move, can't think of what to say. So I just hold onto her small, shaking hand. And I stare up at her.

When she begins to cry, I shift to a sitting position, and I can feel her tears against the skin over my heart as I rock her slowly, both of us in a tangle of my sheets and duvet and pillows, cross legged and trembling. It reminds me how clueless both of us are about what we're doing, but also how clueless we're going to think of ourselves as we look back in the future. So everything will be fine. Everything will be alright.