Beacon in the Darkness

17. Radiate

In the three seconds before Camila remembered the date, she was content. For those few moments, her heart felt light and almost happy. But when the full scope of what the numbers on the calendar meant came crashing down, it was all she could do to catch her breath. September third. Carlos's eighteenth birthday. Or, what would have been his eighteenth birthday.

Camila sat up in bed, the sheets falling away and floating to the mattress below. Her heart thudded loudly but slowly in her chest. Long tendrils of hair settled on her shoulders, brushing against and tickling the bare skin there. Silence, thick as water, filled her ears. Every sensation felt more precise, like her grief acted as an amplifier for everything else.

She'd thought that after her accomplishment at the cemetery the day before, maybe this day wouldn't be so bad. She was wrong. So very, very wrong. It wasn't anything she could pinpoint. Not a feeling of wanting to cry or scream, but more like a heaviness, pressing in on her from every direction, crushing her chest and her throat, making it harder to breathe. She just felt wrong, like the world had somehow shifted, leaving her off balance and struggling to remain upright when gravity wanted to pull her down.

Her entire body ached from yesterday's emotional onslaught and her legs felt weak and wobbly. Knowing she needed to get up, needed to not let it overtake her, Camila slowly lowered her feet to the floor, testing the strength of her legs before putting her full weight on them. Once she was confident she could hold herself up, she made her way to her dresser, feeling as though she was slogging through mud.

Pulling out clothes for the day, she tried so hard to push back the enormous swell of emotion threatening to bring her to her knees. She didn't want to let it win. She wouldn't let it win. She wanted to fight it off, tell it there was no place for it anymore. That she was stronger and ready to move forward. For her mother, for Carlos, for herself.

Crossing her room with renewed determination, Camila stole out into the hall and into the bathroom. She threw her pile of clothes on the floor next to the sink and glanced in the mirror. Her skin looked pale and her cheekbones stuck out more prominently beneath the dark circles under her dull brown eyes. Shaking her head, she turned away and walked over to the shower, twisting the knobs and tentatively feeling the water until it reached a comfortable temperature.

After discarding her dirty clothes in the hamper in the corner, Camila jumped under the warm spray, her body relaxing slightly. The water dulled the memories forcing their way through her mind. All she wanted was to feel normal again. To not wonder when the pictures in her head would make her break down once more. She didn't want to forget Carlos. She just wanted to forget the pain his name brought to the forefront.

Life had changed so much for Camila in the past few months. For a while, it was hard to even get out of bed, but lately, it was getting easier. Thoughts of people who meant something to her helped. Lauren's fiery spirit kept Camila on her toes and made life fun again. Michael, loyal to a tee, had never failed her and was always willing to try to make her laugh when she needed it most. And then, of course, Shawn. Just the sound of his name was enough to make her body tingle with excitement. He was an unexpected surprise. Able to make her feel things she'd never felt in her life. Things she didn't even know she was capable of—especially now. She thought she'd been broken beyond repair, that she could never feel anything normal people felt. The numbness that came after Carlos's death blocked all of that.