love letters from ruby

8. ruby hates crying

what the fuck?

i look at the water that runs from kitchen tap into the cup and the water is you. i fill a dozen or so of them and pour them into the pot on the stove. i walk from bathroom through bedroom through the lounge to the kitchen and back and i do not remember doing it. you are my steps. i sit at the keyboard and turn my head and my eyes are glued to the clock for no reason. i keep looking at it, my hands in midair, stuck there like some marionette's, floating. i sit so for minutes, thinking of you, quite aware of my stance. somehow tears collect at an alarming rate on the inner corners of my eyes. they don't run down along my cheeks. they plop onto the keys of the keyboard. i cannot believe this. i spoon chicken livers into my mouth. tears fall onto it and mix with the chilli. i swallow my tears. i'm a mess. and i'm thinking, i'm a mess when i'm extremely happy. and i seem to be a mess when i'm extremely sad. why is that? maybe i cannot distinguish between happiness and sadness is anymore. i forget that i do not often feel like this. all i can focus on is my immediate lack of joy. not lack of love.

i am not sure whether these tears are about you, about us. i made up my mind to not cry over the things i cannot change. we spoke about it more than once and we both agreed that we shouldn't dwell on what makes us unhappy, but rather on the happiness that we do have. and you make me incredibly happy. but i cannot seem to stop crying. why am i so fucking sad? (perhaps it's my irish parts that help this on?) i think u must feel this sadness from me. i think you feel it before i am quite aware of it. because i was so unaware of it until suddenly it rushed to the surface. i will remember to ask you, but this is what i think.

i will love you forever.

you make me happy.

all my love and all my mess is yours

ruby