The Pursuit of Camila Cabello

Chapter Five: Reconciliation

Too many thoughts ran wild in Lauren's head. She had the answers to questions she had had for years now, and she had no idea how to process them. Of all the answers she had hoped for, from the grossly pessimistic to the frivolously hopeful, she had not expected this.

All she could do was repeat stupidly, "...You were going to marry me?"

"Of course I was, Lauren! I was so in love with you. Every time I saw you, it was like breathing for the first time. When you left, I didn't know what to do with myself. What was I supposed to live for when I didn't have your eyes to wake up to? What was I supposed to live for when I didn't hear you laugh at every single one of my horrible jokes? What was I supposed to live for when the girl I loved thought I hated her?"

Camila, panting for her rant, still had that fire in her eyes that warmed Lauren's soul. She hadn't even noticed she was crying until a cold wind blew on her face. She couldn't remember how to move her mouth, let alone her arm to wipe it away.

"To think you hated me," Camila said, her voice cracking on the word, "It almost killed me."

Lauren couldn't help the way she blew up. Three years of pent up emotion had come out, guns-blazing. She couldn't not be angry if she wanted to. She didn't understand half of what she was saying, only that she wanted to feel something. Rage seemed good enough, even if it was misplaced and not justified.

"Why am I just hearing this now?" She yelled, "Where were you when I spiralled into depression? Where were you when I drank myself stupid every night, wondering why I wasn't enough? Where were you when I needed to know you still loved me?"

The faces were never more then a few inches apart. The sheer closeness to Camila was astounding: just a day ago, her body had forgotten the exact shape of her eyes and the curve of her jaw. Now it came rushing back in vivid detail. Lauren felt her head swing with dizziness.

"You didn't let me, Lauren! Or did you forget how you told everyone to keep me away from you? You made that decision for me!" Camila bit back, a feral look on her face. Lauren had never seen Camila this angry in her life. She looked so wronged, as if the thought of Lauren pushing her away was a crime against her.

Lauren bit her lip, not caring if she drew blood. She knew Camila was right, of course: she always was.

"I know, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking straight, I didn't—" Lauren began to apologise, before Camila cut her off.

"No, Lauren — fuck, this wasn't how this was supposed to go. I was supposed to come here and talk with you and apologise and it wasn't meant to go like this." She ran her hand through her hair and under the faint sunlight, Lauren saw her engagement ring glint.

That grounded her. The Camila in front of her wasn't in love with her anymore: she was marrying the man she was now in love. No amount of wishful thinking on her part will change that. It was time for her to toughen up.

"I just want to know one thing." Lauren asked, her voice holding steady even if she felt like she was drowning.

Camila looked up at her and Lauren had to refrain from gasping. She looked so beautiful, covered in light snow and tear streaks across her cheeks. Her eyelashes were slick and one tear fell when she blinked. That kind of perfection should be illegal.

"Am I good enough now?"

Camila's face softened, melted almost, as she held Lauren by the shoulders. Lauren hated that she breathed easier in her hold, that Camila still had that kind of power over her.

With a soft smile, Camila said, "You are more than enough. You always have been. I was just too blind to see that."

Lauren ripped away from Camila's grasp, choking back tears. She hated that kind look in her eyes, the way her lips curled up so softly. She hated how much hope this tiny woman gave her. She hated how easily she fell for her again. She wanted to hated Camila, but that was the one thing she couldn't do.

"Don't say things like that!" She snarled, almost shaking from rage.

"Like what?" Camila said but the look in her eyes betrayed her: a part of her knew exactly what she was doing. Some part of her wanted Lauren, maybe even more than Austin. But that part was buried deep in Camila's mind, never to rise from its' grave.

"Like you might actually still love me! Like you were still eighteen and in love and not marrying some guy!" Lauren shouted and watched as Camila shook from guilt. She just sighed and shoved her hands in her coat pockets, glaring anywhere but at her. Everything was getting so twisted.

"This is so messed up." Camila said, fiddling with her engagement ring. The fact that she immediately did that meant she had had this ring for so long, it was her immediate stress-reliever. That thought alone made Lauren's heart spasm.

"You're telling me. I look at you and fall in love just that little bit more, but you stand there and twirl your engagement ring and pretend to be something you're not." Lauren was sure the look in her eyes was absolutely murderous, but Camila didn't seem phased. She never had been afraid of Lauren, even when everybody else was.

"What am I pretending to be, Lauren?" She asked, gesturing violently with her hands.

Taking a step forward, Lauren snarled, "Someone who isn't in love with someone else. Someone who could still love me."

Camila's bottom lip quivered as she said, "I do love you, Lauren. Just..."

"Just not the way I need you to." Lauren answered for her, sighing. She felt the optimism she had begun the conversation with wither. In hindsight, she can't believe she imagined this conversation ending with them reconciling as lovers and eloping. It seems she still harboured schoolgirl daydreams.

Looking up, she found Camila wearing an unsure expression. She had to stop that then and there, for both their sakes.

"Don't look at me like that." She said, softly this time.

"Like what?" Camila asked, genuinely confused which seemed to dig the knife in her heart a little deeper. She supposed it was true what they said: you never fall out of love with someone, not completely.

"Like you think you could. Like maybe I would be enough this time. Like maybe there is hope."

They didn't say anything for a long time. Lauren was mauling over everything Camila told her, trying to piece all of it together. It was a bittersweet confession, knowing that soon, she would have to leave and go home to her fiancé.

Camila seemed deep in thought too. She was chewing her bottom lip, a nervous tick she carried with her from high school. It must have been a loaded question, considering how many times Camila attempted to say it.

Finally, she asked, "Could we still be friends?"

This was a question she asked herself many times. Instead of answering, she questioned Camila, "That all depends on you. Would you be comfortable bringing me into your house where your family, now including your fiancé, live? Could you handle Sofi's questions about why you aren't still dating 'Lolo'? Could you handle me being around you, knowing that everything you did made me love you just that little bit more?"

"Yes." Camila finally said after a moment, a fierce look in her eyes, "We're too important to each other for us to pretend like we're strangers. It may be difficult, especially with Austin, but nothing with us has ever been easy. Why start now?"

Lauren held back for a moment, before flinging herself into Camila's readied arms. Holding her felt like coming home. Maybe she had felt homesickness much before this week. Maybe she felt it when she left Camila. Maybe her home wasn't her house, the Morello estate, the tour bus or the Cat's Meow. Maybe her home was a beautiful girl with a heart of gold and honeyed lips.

Lauren could handle being just friends with Camila: if that's what she needed her to be, she'd be it. If that's all she'd ever want from Lauren, she'd be happy knowing at least Camila wanted her.

But that doesn't mean she'll give up. If there was even the smallest chance that Camila would fall in love with her again, nothing — not Austin, their families or a marriage contract — would get in between them.

That's one promise she'll never break.