Her Lost Identity

Her Lost Identity [3] ~ Introducing Lilian

“Shut up! I don’t want to go to see her! She’s the reason why I had to leave; she’s the reason why I didn’t get to see you for four years! Why should I go see her? How is it fair? She’s the reason I’m here so surely she can come and see me. Maybe she doesn’t want to? The only reason that she wants me there is because he’s not there. I bet she has never lived to regret making me leave home! Why would I want to go and see her?” I broke down in tears and ran over to my bed. I felt hurt inside; it was like there was a huge hole inside of me, with termites eating my insides. I was angry at my mum, how could she do that to me? I’m her daughter! There’s no reason for me to go and see her. I was dead to her, so why isn’t she dead to me?

“Because you care, Lilian!” he shouted, “There’s no denying that you care. You may have changed, but that certainly hasn’t. I know you, Lilian. You love your mum, you always have,” his shout turned in to a whisper, which I appreciated dearly. The thing that annoyed me the most was he was right; I did care although I wish I didn’t.

**

After everything, I decided that I was going to go. Nathan made me realise that I still cared, as much as I made myself believe I didn’t. Just as me and Nathan were about to leave, the doorbell rang. I swung the door open to see Jessica with a suitcase beside her.

“Right, you’re still here, thank god,” she praised the sky. “I’m coming with you, you owe me it. I’m not going to spend my summer here without you.”

“That’s not such a great-,” Nathan began, but I cut him off.

“Sure,” I told her, smiling sweetly. As much as Jess can get on my nerves, I did kind of owe her. I should have told her, she’s my best friend and that was a big secret to keep. At least this way, we’ll be friends again when school starts. Otherwise, she’d probably tell everyone that I lied about myself, which isn’t necessarily true as my name was changed by law. She smiled back at me and sent daggers Nathan’s way.

By the time we left, Kevin was home and he insisted to drop us to the airport. He wasn’t so happy about me leaving; he told me that he would miss me too much. To be honest, I would miss him a lot more; he means a lot to me, more than Kirsten and more than Jack. Kevin was the reason I was able to move on, he helped me through a lot; he always looked out for me when I needed it, and I would miss that.

Once we arrived at the airport, Kevin got all emotional and everything and because he did, I did too. Nathan just looked at us as if we were weird and not normal, and to be honest, we weren’t normal. Our relationship wasn’t normal, anybody else in this situation would hate each other but Kevin and I have a connection nobody understands. Kevin knows Nathan as much as I do, I told him everything I know, to what he does when he’s upset and what’s his favourite food. Kevin was there when Nathan couldn’t be, and I respect him for that.

Jessica, Nathan and I trailed off to the plane when it was time for departure, still with not a word said to Nathan and hundreds to Jessica. I was happy that Jessica turned up on my doorstep demanding to come with me, it meant that this vacation (or whatever you would call it) less awkward for me. I was mad at Nathan, I understood why he was being like this, but I wish he wouldn’t. I didn’t know what to feel about my mum. Was I supposed to be happy to see her again? How would I approach her? Would I stuff my feelings in a bag for later or would I show how I really felt? Would I show her how raged I was? That’s if I was enraged. I was confused more than anything else.

Sat on the plane in between Nathan and Jessica, I peered across Nathan’s head to see darkness and lights from the fair not far from my house. The plane hadn’t moved yet, there were two blonde women in blue and white suits at the nose of the plain telling us where everything was in case of emergency, not that I was paying enough attention. Jess, on my left side was reading Vogue magazine, one of our favourites. Nathan, on my right, was reading a book, an interest we both once liked.

I couldn’t help but notice the lovely coolness coming from the air conditioning above, it was so strong it and kept my hair out of my face. I could hear the fan spinning from the inside, which drew a picture of it in my head. I could smell Nathan’s cologne, it lingered in my nose and had been since I spoke to him up in my room, not that I was complaining. He smelt great. I had a gut feeling that what was going to happen when I arrived in Ohio wasn’t going to be well. If I got a penny for every time I sighed in stress in the past twelve hours, I would be a millionaire. My thoughts soon drifted away as I was taken over by my sleepiness. I fought myself to stay awake but I was defeated, I felt myself being shut down, ever so slowly...

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