Without Sight (poetry volume one)

The String That Carries Me Is Breaking

That I just can’t seem to keep together by myself.

I know the truth.

Not by heart, but by soul.

Deep inside there is something that keeps

My faith sparked.

There is something that wants this for me.

I’ve felt so close to You before

But yet so far away

Even though I yet felt like You were only a grasp in front of me.

I’ve seen a glimpse of evil

And it scared me beyond anything

Even if it was only a few seconds.

I’m not sure what this is now.

I’m not sure if feeling this way is supposed to help

Or if it’s just a test of my faith and truth.

Even still

I’m not sure if I’m passing.

There are so many doubts that I feel I shouldn’t have

After all this time of knowing what the truth is.

I’m stumbling, crawling

Without a place to go.

I have a hunger for the right direction:

I don’t want to get it wrong this time

But I have to admit…

I’m afraid of them seeing me like this

When they themselves seem so put together

Before my eyes in the name of You.

I don’t have an extraordinary story

Of how I came to know the truth

Nor can I give them a date at which I was saved by You

Because I am ashamed to mention I haven’t been.

The worst part is?

I haven’t the slightest clue on how to fix it.

And honesty once more?

I’m scared silly.

But deep inside I truly know I cannot ignore You.

I have tried to run away from the things I can’t explain,

Tried to live by my own rules

While merely tossing You into the backs of my thoughts

And burning out what I don’t understand.

Do I have to understand?

Do I truly need to understand Your ways?

Or is faith merely believing and letting You take over

My life and leading me where You want me to go?

I’ll be honest with You, Lord:

I’m having trouble putting all my trust in You.

I know that is where I need to be

But why I am so hesitant when I know for a fact

That this is right?

Every time I think of it

I feel the tears sting my eyes.

That’s another reason:

I am weak and vulnerable.

I don’t want people to pity me

Because I cry.

I just need help getting through the storm

But am too stubborn and proud to ask for it.

I don’t think anyone will understand

When they appear so put together in their faith

While I am hanging over the cliff

Clutching the wavering string that is my faith.

I think about calling out for help to You.

But then again

I’m not sure how.

I try but it feels so strange

When I knew deep down that this is right.

I guess You could say there is a wall

That I can’t seem to break down

That stands between You and me.

I can’t remember where I heard it;

Someone once told me You wouldn’t take a step closer

Until I did.

But what if I don’t know how to?

What if I’m too afraid?

I need a push,

A giant push

That would test my wavering faith

And make the tears flow freely

While everyone watches what I’ve done.

I want to put it out there so everyone knows

That I am not what they are just yet,

But that I want to be.

I want to be a part of the Your world,

Your word, Your flock of sheep

That guides me without knowing in the right direction.

I want what she has, what he has,

The happiness You bring,

And the trials that come over us while we stand by Your side.

I keep thinking that I have everything I need except You:

I have a wonderful family,

Wonderful friends that support me,

Several wonderful talents that most people only have one of,

A wonderful dream,

A optimism that keeps my friends positive

And makes me a friendly person that everyone loves.

I keep thinking to myself without meaning to

That all I need is You

And everything will be perfect for me.

I know perfect isn’t exactly what it will be

Because I once read somewhere that having You in my life

Will cause trouble and trials.

But at least I will have You there by me

To guide me and give me strength and courage.

I won’t be alone anymore.

And I will truly understand what it is like

To be a Christian.

I will truly understand what this truth stands for.

I will finally be put together

And my string of wavering faith?

It will not be wavering anymore.

It will be strong enough to pull me up the cliff

And back on safe grounds again.

I think I may be beginning to realize what I need to do.

I just hope my heart is lighter soon.

I just hope I can be put back together the way I’m supposed to be.

The right way.

Amen.

~nikkie may.